He remembers me
As my birthday and coming enlistment date draws near, I got down to planning a list of people that I really want to spend my (remaining) days with; people important to me; people whom I really treasure and are close to. As I plan my exclusive schedule and prepare the list of people, it suddenly occurred to me that actually I am not very close to my peers, I don’t really have many peers that I call close friends. I realized that I’m actually much closer to many of the youths and I desire to be with them much much more than with my peers.
With this thought I sudden found a reason as to probably why I seem to be much more effective in the youth ministry. Is my preference of time spent with the youth actually based on my lack of peer friends? Does this really mean that I love them then, or is my so called ‘love’ for them actually based on a very selfish reason? If that is so, then I guess it’s really sad and its time I consider about what I am doing.
As I dwell on what loneliness felt, I evaluated myself and question if I do have a character problem. Well, after all I felt that my situation doesn’t really seemed normal at all. I prayed and cried. Loneliness is a really painful feeling I guess. Even when one is surrounded by people loneliness is still very much felt. People only help to mask the pain I guess.
But last Saturday’s YA service was really memorable. The message by Pastor Kieran is really what I needed so much to hear. It’s almost like God speaking to me and that slot of the day meant especially for me. I guess it’s a way of how God shows me that He is the big guy up there who hears my cries. For the first time I really felt restored and vision refocused.
I guess the pastors in school are right, ministry is really lonely. There are so many things you can’t share with your members and so many things that you need to keep to yourself. There will be things that they can’t understand and might never be able to understand and relate to you. I realized that the more committed I am to my ministry, the lonelier I’ll will get. And when my ‘world’ becomes my ministry, I am actually inviting myself into a ‘lion’s den’ of loneliness.
A servant has no time off and is to serve the master 24/7. Although this reality really seems tiring and torturous I guess I am always reminded of one very fundamental thing; that He really does love his servants. I am really thankful that in the midst of my struggles that Yahweh remembers me; even though when I feel that I really don’t deserve to be remembered. Serving a kind master is always a joy and a privilege.
I really like it when poet George Herbert described prayer as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." and he goes on and concludes his grand description of prayer as "something understood." Really, Yahweh hears us, He understands us. He remembers me.
With this thought I sudden found a reason as to probably why I seem to be much more effective in the youth ministry. Is my preference of time spent with the youth actually based on my lack of peer friends? Does this really mean that I love them then, or is my so called ‘love’ for them actually based on a very selfish reason? If that is so, then I guess it’s really sad and its time I consider about what I am doing.
As I dwell on what loneliness felt, I evaluated myself and question if I do have a character problem. Well, after all I felt that my situation doesn’t really seemed normal at all. I prayed and cried. Loneliness is a really painful feeling I guess. Even when one is surrounded by people loneliness is still very much felt. People only help to mask the pain I guess.
But last Saturday’s YA service was really memorable. The message by Pastor Kieran is really what I needed so much to hear. It’s almost like God speaking to me and that slot of the day meant especially for me. I guess it’s a way of how God shows me that He is the big guy up there who hears my cries. For the first time I really felt restored and vision refocused.
I guess the pastors in school are right, ministry is really lonely. There are so many things you can’t share with your members and so many things that you need to keep to yourself. There will be things that they can’t understand and might never be able to understand and relate to you. I realized that the more committed I am to my ministry, the lonelier I’ll will get. And when my ‘world’ becomes my ministry, I am actually inviting myself into a ‘lion’s den’ of loneliness.
A servant has no time off and is to serve the master 24/7. Although this reality really seems tiring and torturous I guess I am always reminded of one very fundamental thing; that He really does love his servants. I am really thankful that in the midst of my struggles that Yahweh remembers me; even though when I feel that I really don’t deserve to be remembered. Serving a kind master is always a joy and a privilege.
I really like it when poet George Herbert described prayer as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." and he goes on and concludes his grand description of prayer as "something understood." Really, Yahweh hears us, He understands us. He remembers me.
posted by matt at 4:34 AM
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