I will be trying out wordpress for now.

www(dot)theupperroomdiaries(dot)wordpress(dot)com

Spectacular Somethings Part 2

I remember posting in October regarding a lament about my lack of experience in the tangible monetary provision of God, and I went on to say that this lack has been feeding me with doubts since this provision seems to be a normal experience among most servants of the Lord.

Wed night was quite something for me, after getting my much needed macbook (which I have been saving up for quite sometime), I practically drained my whole savings account. I saved up just enough money for the edu. priced macbook but the retail stores does not sell them with the edu. discounts. Jer managed to pull some strings with her ex boss and it became possible to get what I wanted at the price that I can afford. I really thank God for Jer, she has been such a blessing to me. She gave me a notebook sleeve when I could not afford one; after checking out the price, I found it to be rather ex...

Whats even more cool is this; during the service at night when it came the time for offering collection, I opened my wallet and realized that I was down to my last $10. I really wanted to give it all but the hesitation was real - it was my last $10. I put in only $2 (how faithless!) and after I did that Jeanie turned around and passed me an envelope saying that an anonymous person wanted me to pass me this - I opened it and there it was - a $50 note. I was like *eyes-wide-open-woah!*, its really something out of a standard testimony happening. And the coolness doesn't end here yet, over the next few days people have been coming forward to return me money - $5, $10, $2... Its such a miracle that all these happen at the same time and they became the money I did not know I had.

My mom also asked me to help her buy a wireless laptop mouse that she could use when she bring her lappie out. Well, if she doesn't then I get to use it!!! So its all cool now. I'm able to bring my work around, to be where I need to be and to do work there - something I would not be able to do last time and esp so now, since I would be moving around quite abit from now on. I guess this is a sobering reminder that God does not forget and desires to give us good gifts when he sees it fit to do so. Our part is to be faithful in doing the will of the Lord and not to worry about hindrances for He is faithful and He makes our paths straight.

Rhema Conference

I really thank God for the chance to serve as a counselor (among other roles) during the span of Rhema Con. Guess it is like a testing ground for me to explain the gospel, to speak of complex terms and the reason for christian practices without the use of christian lingo. I guess the true goal of teaching is to make the lesson simple even when the truth/principle is complicated. And I'm glad to say that by the grace of God, I passed my own test.

It has become totally exciting to meet new believers who are also excited about their new found savior. The Gospel has never been so alive to me till I see it in their faces. And it is also exciting to witness how God can move through me; I guess my area of ministry would really be in preaching and teaching, just like what God said it would be, it is slowly becoming more and more real; to the extent that it becomes scary to see what He told me happening. God has showed and promised me many things, and some of the things are so big that I really just don't want to believe them when I look at my current self.

I guess I am at the stage where I can totally identify with people who share their testimonies about God's tangible provision and how this is the time where they need God more than ever. The greater the mountain means the greater the time spent in prayer seeking favor, wisdom and direction.

Change has started. I guess things would be very exciting from now.

Minefield

Most people think that birthdays and funerals are like poles apart but I starting to look at them thinking that they are the same - that they both celebrate the gift of life. Staring at a blank piece of canvas trying to convince myself that my relationship with my dad cannot be defined by pieces of design that I can do for him.

Its like a minefield of emotions and I think tripped them all today. Can't even type well nowadays. So be it.

Untitled

So many things happened in a span of a few days, things that are not too nice to talk about openly. Now I can't wait for leader's retreat, just wanna go somewhere and just get away from my immediate environment for a few days.

Something New

This is rather unusual; its not really like me to be so focused on so many things, to be the driver of my own plans, to even plan things and to see that the plan itself comes to past. I know that these are the qualities I have been praying for, that these are qualities necessary to fill my future role in the kingdom of God according to His calling. But all these are coming so suddenly that I'm really afraid that they will go away as fast as they came judging that I'm primarily a sanguine by nature.

So may this be some sort of a new beginning. May I never be so busy that God becomes first priority only in theory but not practiced. May I never be too busy that I be blinded towards the people I love. May I, may I not forget who I was, my weaknesses and all and take this chance to set up barriers to guard them tight.

Lord, as I look at the plans I have for next year, they really do look so huge on my side of the plane but I know it is considered accomplished with you and I really do need you more than before. May you never fail to speak to me, and may I never fail to keep myself in check so that I would never fail to hear from you - that the most busy of time would find me seeking you all the more.

Deplorable

This must be the lowest I ever felt in long time.

The every present moment

Jesus repeats himself five times here: "Don't worry." Don't worry about your life, for your heavenly Father knows what you need. Listen to the birds and consider how God cares for them. Look at the flowers and learn from their effortless beauty. Don't worry about wealth like the pagans do, for despite what the advertisers say, your life doesn't consist of your possessions. Don't fret about the past or obsess about the future over which you have no control, but rather learn to enjoy the every present moment.

Reading Matt 6:25-34 really struck a long-time cord within me.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my teacher; He is all that I need.

He makes me rest to give me clarity; He leads me in my study.

He restores my confidence in Him; He guides me as His
presence is with me.

Even though faces of the lecturers keep appearing in my mind, I will fret not, for You are with me; Your love and faithfulness, they strengthen me.

You prepare a table before me with assignments that I need to complete, You anoint my brain with wisdom, my joy overflows.

Surely, goodness and love will follow me all the days in AGBC, and I will dwell in the library with the Lord forever.

Image of God

Another funeral. This makes the third one I attended this month. Many thoughts just popped in as I stayed overnight; the most impressive one should be when I sneaked a peek into the coffin when no one is around and there lay Auntie May. So yes we are created in the image of God and therefore this shapes the believer's value of humanity, but when do we begin to be "made in the image of God" and of course when do we cease to be an image of God? From dust we come, to dust we will eventually revert. Now this understanding bears a huge weight (and maybe even the definitive) on arguments about Abortion and Euthanasia where the believer talk about pro-life or pro-choice and defining death.

Was just talking to Ewen over msn about this issue and thought that next time I would want to preach at my parents funeral for I believe that its my parents' desire to see people come to know Christ as their personal savior. Like what Ewen said, me too can't believe how people can go to funerals and leave unfazed by the seemingly random unpredictability of what life is. And that only in Christ do we find the answer in the believer's assurance of destiny.

On hindsight, the last minute decisions to stay over at the void deck while pushing back doing my assignments... I kinda like the spontaneity of it all, if this is what God wants me to do as ministry, I really don't mind. Maybe its a package and this all comes with it.

Spectacular Somethings

Often we read and hear from other people about their oh-so-many spectacular moments when God lead them towards something or in certain directions. It must be very odd of me but sometimes the more I listen to such amazing testimonies the more discouraged I feel. I keep wondering whats wrong with me, why am I not experiencing such things when I should, and it somehow leads me to think if I'm really doing what God wants me to do.

You see, many times when seeking direction, we tend to ask God to show us something spectacular. Like to show us a clear sign. I'm not to say God does not work in this way, in fact there are many testimonies stating that God does show himself in this manner. Its just that sometimes we wipe off the little somethings that God does and expect him to deliver the way we expected him to.

Sometimes I guess we should really take a step back and look at what God has done in our lives. When we do, we would notice those little somethings that God has provided in one way or another. Insignificant as what they may seem by themselves, but when combined, they are spectacular indications of God's presence in our lives and the direction he intends of us to pursue.

I guess most of us have figured that there is actually a span of time between that when we decide to obey the call of God and the actualization of that intention. And even after that, there is a even longer span of time at which God prepares us for whatever and wherever he wants us to be. Each step seem to demand more faith in the promises of God. Just when I thought that I have given enough of myself, God seem to seek more of me. As if dying to myself is not enough, he seem to want me D.E.A.D., the state of complete surrender. The deeper I walk down the path of surrender, the more I'm realized how faithless I am, and of course, the amount of things I keep holding on to, even when I say "Lord, all that I am, I lay them down before you."

Prayer Room

Back in school, the seemingly seldom used prayer room has got to be my favorite. It is just a small little room in a corner of the school and when you close the door and switch off the light no one can really tell if anyone is inside. Well that is really a good thing as privacy is really hard to come by for me. Hence I made a commitment to spend at least a half hour inside every time I have to stay in school for an extended amount of time.

I believe I have grown alot through the last three months however there is a significant area that has been leaving me puzzled so, it has been really weird. You see, I used to instinctive know where to go and what God wanted me to do but now God seems silent. I do not know if its a dry spell or something but what I do know is that God still does speak to me. Like I still know where and which area of ministry I should be getting into and he still reminds me every time I failed in a particular area, but those are nothing compared to what I can hear from God last time. It's as if God is teaching me a new way of listening to his voice as I hold on to what I know about his character.

Maybe this is what faith is as worded in James 1:17 - that we believe that God does not change like shifting shadows. God is like that light that doesn't create shadows because He is always at the zenith, never moving.

When the winds blow.

Actually, the things we learnt, the things we thought we knew; they would only makes sense when tested by real circumstances. Without them, those knowledge only just scratches the surface of our heart and amounts to nothing much.

Maybe that's why God allows such defining things to happen and in doing so, mold us to become the character of our speech. So that, what we are, matches the God that we talk about. God has many unsuspecting ways to turn things around I guess, unsuspecting for us.

12 Lotus

This is one of the few nights where I feel as if I'm drowning; swirling around within a myriad of thoughts, so many that it provides me with the impetus to record some of the more pertinent ones before they float away again into nothingness.

First: Experience + Experience = World-view

Decided to spend today with Jia Liang since he need not go back to his camp for this whole week. During lunch I popped the question that I have always forgot to ask. So we talked about his missionary calling and his plans based on such a calling. I'm so glad that his mind is being stirred, this is something the God has been putting in my heart for so long, glad that its finally out and gone/done.

Together we also watched 12 Lotus and Money No Enough 2 (finally!). 12 Lotus is a really good film but its not really mainstream so some people will not be to appreciate this melodrama that is in-your-face painful, as the fiction story it presents is very plausible. It's really different from Royston's previous 881. To me, its alot better although theres alot of differing opinions going around. Anyways creativity wise, films by Jack really pales in comparison to Royston's.

What really hits home (for me at least) is how strikingly real the direct effect of our negative past experience can have in our relation to others. Hence its easy to observe how our world-view is being shaped experience by experience. Like how we always go through life thinking that we know whats going on, but actually we really don't until we consciously decide to take a step back to really observe ourselves and our beliefs. I guess this film is good in a way that it forces me to take that backward step.

Artistically, this film gave me a more in-depth understanding about the symbolism of the colour, Pink. Coincidentally, this happens to be one of the colours I have chosen for Rhema Conference 08

Growing old alone

Recently at school happened to be talking to someone in his (late?) forties and the conversation goes something like this:

Matt: so where will you be going after this?
Mr.x : maybe going to catch a movie.
Matt: oh! thats nice, with who?
Mr.x : go alone lar, i always go alone to the movies alone.
Mr.x : at home also always alone so no difference.
Mr.x : my friends all married liao, not nice to disturb them.
Matt: er... thats true, *mumbles* and its sad (goes into deep thought)
Mr.x : so see you around bah.

This type of loneliness kinda scares me now, can't imagine it becoming a norm for people. Is that the reason why single women in ministry and in seculars working environment can be so productive at work? Are they being busy in an effort to fight loneliness? If yes then its really sad. Sad truth.

Change

As much as people would say that change is constant, there is a part of me that seems strangely resistant to this change.

I still have an uncanny knack for the creative side of life.
My taste in music hasn't changed much.
I still feel 18.
I still have a largely seeking mind.
I still wished that I was smarter, more musically inclined, to be able to speak better...
My constant need for God grace.

I rarely do tests, but I thought this one is really accurate?... hhas

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop. But when you think of something, watch out! Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion. You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Labels

There are so many terms to call yourself, like for example if I told people that I would be studying philosophy or religions (which in some sense, I'm right by saying so) they would probably go "Ah, thats interesting." But if you tell people that you will be doing theology, you will get a long are-you-serious type stare assuming that they understand what you mean. Then after that you will see them asking the chain of why-what-when-how questions with them already having certain perceptional bias about such people even before they asked the questions. Then you will soon figure that there is one more pair of eyes watching your life waiting to fault you for flaws that are human, then they will prove to themselves, "see all Christians are like that."

Maybe this is too far fetched but its true to some extent, thou not all the time. Anyways the point is that its really not very nice to answer questions people ask out of boredom. The army is full of this (maybe in taxi cabs too), people just like to ask where or what you would be doing after the 2year term. Every time I'm asked this I would feel so tempted to lie (or just not telling the full truth) just to get away with it because you just don't want to deal with their responses. Slowly you would try to lessen your guilt by reasoning that they wouldn't understand even if you told them. But you will still know deep down that you lied.

the dark side of me

There is this guy who is my mom's friend and one day he decided to declare an one-sided cold war due to some misunderstanding. There comes a time where we happened to meet and out of my sanguine disposition I practically pranced around him saying a big "Hello" to which he completely ignored. Fast tracking to the now, that guy and my mom have cleared the misunderstanding and are now starting to talk again. But the point remains, if we have issues with a particular someone why take it out against his/her son? Is it even objective anymore?

I guess the weightier issue has got to do with myself, why do I find it so hard to forgive the person? Okie, maybe its not a forgiveness issue but more of an acceptance issue. Why issit so hard for me to open up or talk to him again? This is not really the first time such rejection happened to me but the question is why do I react this way now? I guess I would never see him in the same light again.

Maybe this is just one side of me that I really don't quite understand yet.

Fresh Start

People often asked for the reason as to why I haven't blogged for such a long time. For convenience's sake I always told them that I lost my password, but this is just not true. The truth is that there were just so many things all happening at once that it became hard for me to put them all in words. So actually there are many times when I come in here trying to blog something but everything eventually got backspaced. So in time things get compounded, there were more and more things to blog about but nothing really came out and so after that I didn't even bother to log-in. I guess blogs are like kinda like Tamagotchis. They seem like alot of fun but then it becomes this thing that you have to keep feeding.

Anyways, recently I just got out of the army (so free-er perhaps), so I guess I should fire up this blog again. So hence this post.

ps: so how do i get the chat box working again? hmmmm.

Many of my peers are now away on mission trips. I don't know why but somehow praying for them really makes me feel lousy. Like why am I like stuck in army, in a stifling and at times, a killjoy environment. Why be there when I can do many things elsewhere.

I wonder where God is leading me to but I'm sure that he is preparing me for something. Blind following is exciting but I guess when there are no visible or tangible results, doubt will start to flow. Full time work + studies = no life.

Looking forward to the retreat. Like finally its almost here :)

Ear ache

Oh gosh I'm going crazy, this morning at 5am, I woke up to an ear ache so intense that it kept me from sleeping and got me rolling around on the living room sofa. Its kinda like someone is playing pinball in my head with the ear part being the area for bonus points. As I was rolling around and praying for the pain to stop. I kinda thought of something, when one part of the body is hurting, every other parts respond to it. Shouldn't this apply to the body of Christ too? Then I notice my prayer focus changing, I started praying for the church not to develop spiritual leprosy where when one part of the body is hurting, we don't feel the pain at all.

Of course, I prayed for mercy too. For God not to use such pain to speak to me, it really hurts lah! I'm now sick with a paper tomorrow and I'm fighting the urge to sleep or do stupid things like watching tv all day instead of studying. I took 3 days off from work to study, not to be sick. Argh gosh.

Anyways check out my new found friends on webcam :)

Not knowing

“If, when I was asleep I was a man dreaming I was a butterfly, how do I know when I am awake I am not a butterfly dreaming I am a man?” - Lao Tse

Besides the fact that butterflies do not dream like a human; or even dream at all, his point is clear, that we can never know for sure about anything. It means to the person that there is no God, or even if there is, we can never know.

Somehow now people actually pride themselves for not knowing. This new unknowingness has somehow became the new epitome of knowledge. It is the enlightenment to the understanding that many things we thought we know exists, never existed, cannot exist and cannot be known. This idea runs much contrary to the belief of the vast majority. This encapsulates what it means to be postmodern.

With what that is taught in schools, portrayed in modern art and films, it is clear that our culture is driving towards naturalistic assumptions. They tell us that mathematics is real; therefore, our brain is real. Food is real; therefore, our stomach is real. But the absolute moral order is not real. It is purely something created within and therefore it is not real. It does not and cannot exist.

Today, for the first time I was faced with such a weird question that suddenly makes so much sense. In this world, "How do I know I exist?"

The question without its background really sounds stupid but after much thought I realized that it is a no wonder why the 'smartest brains', people who know so much, can be so lost.

Exemplar Living

It was weird just thinking about it, its just interesting how God can speak to us even when we are not praying. Its like Him speaking to us albeit uninvited but its easy to figure that it is a good thing. I mean I really wonder how prayerfully changed we can be without God doing the initiating and starting the whole prayer engine system running. Anyways God spoke today and He asked me a pointed question in five words. “Are you still a leader?”

Ever since I entered the army I have been lead by people. Most of them are rather slack but there are also those people who abuse their power by making people scurry around so that they can look and feel good. They direct all faults at us and treat nsfs as expendable for their own promotion. They unconsciously taught me how the army works, that it is a wretched authoritarian system that I need to personally find loopholes to get around it. And lastly there are these few who really lead by example, they uphold the standard of discipline by being that standard themselves. They are the rare few who desire to affect change in the system as it is to what it would be. Most importantly, their presence gave me permission to do the same.

I'm on a driving course now. It has been really tough for me but I thank God that I got the chance to observe two of those people whom leadership I really respect. Being unconsciously trained by those despots in my previous camp, I made use of every opportunity to do what I want without being punished. I got my own ways of doing things that appeal to logic, people's kindness and grace. Those were fun, and so I thought, and I got things done the way people wanted it, in half the time, my way! I thought I was smart until God spoke to me and somehow brought me to observe the two officers going through the same course as me. They are working as man (not commanders), doing things and bringing things as commanded by the course instructor. I realized that certainly they are not dumb as to not understand the meaning of their rank, that they need not do the things they are doing if they do not want to. However there is no “air” around them as senior officers. Witnessing their humility was like receiving a smack in the face, a “kick in the teeth” by a being non other than God Himself.

Its so shameful that God needed to give me such a rude awakening to tell me that I am still a leader in church and that leadership is not really a given. Its is a lifestyle of example. So am I still a leader? So asked God. I really want to change. I feel so ashamed that I have fallen so far.

The fellowship of believers

Just now we had a short night chapel service in school; a 5 min worship session followed by a short 15min sermon by Peter Soh. The worship was just so wonderful. I guess I really missed the privileged experience of people praising God, worshipping and praying together with me. Such environment really spurs me on in my walk with God. I guess they also serve as a reminder that I am not the only one around chasing tight after God. Even though I do not know most of the people there, I feel that the worship had already bonded us together.

It's really been so long since I am able to go for a church service and I would say that I really miss it. I think what I really long for is a good time of fellowship. However the thing that satisfies me today is not the typical fellowship that we always talked about. Christian fellowship doesn't really happen unless God is the focus of a gathering of God's people. Biblical fellowship is really powerful as God really moves through the fellowship and uses them to encourage the individuals.

I really thank God. It's a small thing but I really feel that it's a great privileged to be able to be there :)

Cue the sun

I tried my best to fight this feeling of uselessness and I really wished I could do so much more. I'm so stuck in camp that I feel so useless in ministry and so distant from everyone. Can close friends become strangers? Oh Lord, sustain me.

If I find my way through the darkest of days,
Will I laugh about the things that kept me awake?
But if my greatest fear paints itself so crystal clear,
Will I run away or will I hide?

And if I don't come home tonight,
Just know I tried my best to fight.
Please don't think I plan to lose to the night.
And curse the moon so dull and bright,
My heavy soul can't stand the light.
It burns me straight to the bones, my bones.

Kept promises

I have always known that God has called me into ministry but many times just I don’t want to believe it because that path would require me to sacrifice my dreams and ambitions in unbelievable proportions. And because of that I really struggled for quite some time (I still am but in minor proportions) and managed to obey and submit. I have always known that God wants me to study during my time in army (and after that) in preparation for ministry later on.

So as an obedient worshiper I started to take on modules. Since then I have always been so surprised that my regimental duties NEVER fell on my class dates. To those who didn’t knew I just got posted out from my current base HQ office to some far ulu ammo depot due to fierce office politics. I was rather shocked and worried when I first got the news. In my mind, I questioned God about my calling; I questioned God about his promise. I wonder why he would put an end to things when things are going so well, according to his plan. I was so seriously stressed up that I can do nothing but worry.

To my utter surprise my new work place is even better than the previous! Apart from the obvious much less stressful environment, there is this policy in my new unit that encourages its personnel to study. So with that policy, they will definitely not place me on regimental duties on my class dates and on top of that, I’ll be able to leave camp one hour earlier than the usual.

As if that is not good enough, it was raining on the first time I left for my class from camp and so I was waiting for the bus. I realized that I was going to be late since I’m in a very ulu place and the bus is not coming. Then there was this contractor who was driving out from the camp. So in my mind I wished that he could give me a lift all the way to my desired destination. I figured that the chances were very slim but I gave it a try anyways. What can I say?! God is really good! By him fetching me all the way is really as if God is putting the icing on the cake. Oh wow!

I still think that God is really interesting and irritating all at the same time. It’s like a love-hate relationship. But I guess here, the loving bit clearly out weights the hate bit. So much so as to now, I willingly submit to his Lordship because I’m very sure that he is the faithful one, and he will keep his part of the ‘bargain’ and take care of me every step of the way.

The Bible says it so well with a succinct promise in Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you". Many times the reason in which we are stressed is due to our lack of faith. We stress unnecessarily over the question of God’s providence when if we have enough faith in him, we need not. I believe that with faith, we can truly have like what Isaiah described as perfect peace.

Probably that’s the reason as to why we usually observe in people whom we deem as ‘full-of-faith’, this bubbly joy that transcends personality and we marvel at the way this joy makes them look so alive. That is because true joy comes from peace that flows from within. It’s only with faith can we begin to experience the peace that Isaiah speak of. And with that can we experience that true joy which is by no accident, one of the fruits of the spirit that Apostle Paul talks about.

When we are living in his will, we will experience surprising things at every turn. The many impossibles that He will make possible just simply because He wills it to be. And truly, just as how King David put it in Psalm 27 “The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?” If God is with us who can be against us!

So lets all believe that God really works for the good of those who believe in him, those whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in him. Let’s believe in it and live it out!

The solution out of a depression

Recently it seems like many people whom I talked to are going through a time of testing where faith is very much needed. I’m having mine too with real situations at work that seems to crush down; I come to question the sovereignty of God, the things that he promised me that he will bring it to pass. And many times I come to wonder about the greatness of the God I worship. It has become very intense recently especially when undesirable news come literally rushing one by one.

When I was praying I was reminded of so many instances in the bible. Like the prayer of King Jehoshaphat, in 2 Chronicles 20, in the form of 3 rhetorical questions, declaring in faith, the character of God in the face of a losing war. I was reminded of Job when his theology comes into question and when he realized that the good man doesn’t necessary get good things. When everything doesn’t seem fair to him, his solution is to worship God. I was then reminded of the prophet Habakkuk, that when Israel is in sin and that there is violence everywhere, he too questioned God about his holiness, divine justice and even the power of God. (Habakkuk 1:2-4) Even in his angst, he later got down in humility and engaged in God declaration worship.

Isn’t it true that when belief in God becomes difficult the tendency is to turn away from him? We try to solve things because the problem seems so huge and urgent that God really needs to take second place. It seems that God is telling us to take a look at everything from his perspective so that we will understand that God not only exist and that He will not only act but will also give us a new set of eyes to see everything and we will find out that God is complete control.

If somehow we can get the perspective of God, our problems become just finite problems.

The solution is really to worship God, to declare his praises, to declare his character to ourselves. And I remember the words of Chesterton, that “God is like the sun. You cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else.”

“Are you not,” “did you not,” “will you not,” these are the timely words of King Jehoshaphat that God used to remind me of himself, that he is the God of the present, the past and the future. Lord, don’t let me lose my sense of wonder and awe of you. Let me witness in the most practical of ways, how immeasurably big and all encompassing you are.

Good picture keeps attention

“Why do we keep looking at this picture as if we were expecting something to happen?” That is the question that we are forced to ask ourselves when we are looking at good pictures. Probably we might not really be expecting something, but while viewing we might just be reliving our memories with exclamations like, “Hey I thought I was wearing red that day.” and “No, I remember you carrying flowers.” and "Hey we used to do this!". The point is that good pictures, keeps attention and we expect good pictures to bring to mind something dear to us, something we feel for.

This year’s CNY is really an experience that I really want to give thanks for. To be honest, it’s really boring, and normative right from the reunion dinner. The only big difference is that this year’s reunion dinner is really that of a reunion as compared to last year’s big thing where both of my bros were arrested a day before the dinner. I believe that this CNY is a big reminder for me that family is of utmost importance and infinitely valued. A year ago, for my family this all would not be possible.

For my household, every CNY at least one family shot will be taken. And so I guess if we were to archive the pictures for every year, this year’s and the previous would be the one the raises the most questions. The questions of absence would certainly be a huge reminder for me as to how important my family is to me. During this year’s relative visitations, there were so many exclamations with the likes of “Where were you guys last year?!” and “How come this year got people compared to last year?” Encountering those, we just look to one another and smiled as we did not want to lie or tell the truth as my parents consider the truth embarrassing.

It’s just awesome to think of how such a small, normal thing in life can be such a big privilege to have.

I thank God for such experiences. Pictures of such weighted memory most effectively stand as testaments as to how God has been faithful to undeserving people, tiding them through tough times.

Jargonized culture

After a long absence, I visited the youth service at Grace 1 today. I felt so weird in the youth service and I figured that it must due to the length of time being submerged in the culture of the youth centre kids.

As I observed the Christian/spiritual jargons that are flying around all over the place from the worship to the prayers, it causes me to wonder if the people really understood what they are saying. I seriously hope the leaders do because I know that alot of the youth don’t and most of them are just blindly following. I mean just look at the 'blank' look on their faces!

If I were one of the youth, I would be so lost and everything would seem more like a ritual. And I’ll most probably say this "I behave like this because the environment/everyone said so."

I believe that jargons when fully understood can be very powerful. However, jargons used when not understood, is just simply a waste of time. One ear in and the other ear, out.

I can only pray right? Yes I believe I can only do that now.

Does expectations really kill humility?

Last week was really horrible. I have been working overtime for the past five days and it really does stink to think that my bosses there are using us (NSF) for their promotions. And for that I have missed quite a number of important meetings. It’s like you worked so hard to go home at 5.30pm only to be told that it’s not enough and that you will need to work OT.

From this episode I believed that I have gained quite a number of things, the first was about expectations. I was taught not to get my hopes too high and not to expect too much. And I thought that they were very much right. Expectation does give one something to hope for and that hope will drive us through trying situations. However as much as hope is free I realized that we could just as easily be denied of the very thing we hoped for. Hope, when denied, pulls us pit down and makes us stay there. As such I figured that if we have no hope and no sense of personal rights, we might be happier people but albeit without motivation. Does expectations really kill humility? Anyhow it really does stink to be denied the things you thought you deserved.

The next thing I realized was how much I really missed God. For the past week my life is really dictated by my office. From morning till night I can be found busily working and only knocking off at around 10 plus 11pm, reaching home dead tired and waking up the next day at 6am for another day of busy work and OT. It’s been really tough on my devotional and prayer side. I guess it’s worse than BMT where at least there they let us off after 8pm (on most days) for us to do our own stuff.

On another note, I'm really glad that class has started and it is really a breather to be there. It really makes me remember how much I love theology. Now I’m dumped with so much reading to do before my next class. I think I’ll just read them when I’m doing guard duties. I guess those are the only valued times when I’m free to read. I really hope my boss will let me off to attend my next class and not do OT that night.

-
Sunrise to sunset
I will seek your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace

My heart has found in You
The hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love you more and more
How I longed to be
Deeper in love

-
I was doing duty on Friday night and for some reason, was left alone in my sentry post when a song played on the radio that made me remember the song above. Upon hearing that I turned off the radio to pray and worship. I'm glad that God met me there. I'm also glad that I was alone. Even though its only for a short while, I have reason to think that it was all planned.

I really thank God that in my busyness He hasn't forgotten me and so desires to win me back to himself.

Wisdom of the old granny

Just now, my parents were talking to this old lady whom I think is from their cell or something along that line. I was happily playing my game (erm, refer to previous post) when I overheard some of the stuff which they talked about which stuck on me for quite abit. They are not new but I guess it’s just how some statements are more effective when said in mandarin.

On future and God: “You will only be willing to sacrifice yourself for Christ when He has shown himself real to you. It is the same for any noble endeavor; which is why people bound in passion of any kind can be so blind to everyone but not themselves.”

On praying prophetic prayers and claiming the promises of God: “You will dare to pray these types of prayers because God had worked this way for you. Hence faith grows as your experience with God grows; and your prayer life grows as your faith in God grows.”

On faith: “If you want to follow Jesus, follow him all the way.” (yao geng ye shu ju gan gan geng)

I guess they are right. One who hesitates is a half hearted believer and is better off not believing. He wastes everybody’s time. No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.

After I finished digesting all those words I felt so lifted up in my spirit. And this reminds me of a conversation sometime back with my grandma’s friend. We were sharing (in mandarin) about serving God and told her about my full time(?) calling. Then came the following exchange.

(G) “Do you have a girlfriend?”
(M) “Nope.”
(G) “Why?”
(M) “Now so busy, want also no money.”
(G) “When it comes to God, money doesn’t matter.”

I always had a problem with faith and the future, and I believe that God is preparing me for that. The demand for complete commitment is still quite scary if you come to think about it. Anyhow, prior to this, I would never know that eavesdropping could be so refreshing.

Testing waters

Recently I realized how much I’m unconsciously fond of ‘testing situations’ to confirm what I though was correct or wrong. I liked to think that I’m quite observant and because of that I tend to catch hints rather quickly. But somehow (and I believe it is out of a cautious attitude) I will always tend to seek confirmations for the things I’m already quite sure about.

It’s ‘sad’ to say that the same applies for my relationship with God now. Somehow I know what he wants me to do but I really do not want to do it. I guess I would be a very good example of a modern day Jonah. When I know what God wants me to do in a specific situation I would purposely do the opposite for two reasons. 1) Because I really want it my way. 2) Because I want to see what God would do.

If Samson is prevented from cutting his hair since young, mine would be a gaming console. I know this is weird but I know since long long ago that God don’t want me to go into gaming. This revelation is furiously backed up by my parents who know that when I immerse myself into a game it is very hard for me to get out of it. My attitude towards them will change and my already difficult-to-juggle priorities will be seriously messed up. I know that my self control in this area is bad.

The desire to play games largely increased ever since I entered army, and for me, it’s really bad. Whenever I get home from work I would be so spent and I figured that it would be reasonable to spend the night doing something that I enjoy doing. That thing which I really enjoyed doing is playing games. For me, it’s a big problem and I know God doesn’t like it because I got so many other things that I need to do.

Using Jonah as my parallel example, knowing that which God does not like, I decided to go against it, and of course, God did send ‘storms’ along the way. 1) My mom threw away the small television in my room. 2) Jia liang took back the PS2 I borrowed from him. 3) No money to buy a new television. 4) The PS2 I recently brought over from Darren (for a cheap $180) SPOILT before I can play it. It’s now in the shop for repair… and it has been already 1 week. 5) No money to pay for repair. So even if it is repaired I will need to wait till I have the money to take it back from the shop. It is very interesting to note that all these 5 pointers just form part of the entire picture.

The ‘storms’ or otherwise better known as ‘barriers’ really works like irritating alarm clocks notifying me of the things I already knew I should not be doing. Somehow I do not feel guilty. I’m still fighting against the situations to get things going my way. In a certain sense, I know that I’m asking for trouble but somehow I’m not afraid, yet. I guess this at least prove that I can still hear God. That’s a good point but sometimes when I know that I’m in the wrong, I would rather not hear God.

We would not fully know the power of temptation until we are tempted at our weakest point with little will to fight against it.

Struggle and grace

I'm back. And I'm very much convinced that the longer I stay absent from blogging the more unmotivated I’ll feel from actually doing it. So much happened since July, the journey has been new and difficult but it has been good. My intense struggles prove that God very much exist and that He is doing a great work in my life, just like what He promised. As much as I hate the fact that I have to struggle to do things right, I am glad that they exist, for without which I wouldn’t be who I am now. Not saying that I’m perfect and without flaw but in every way the very opposite.

I figured that my struggles grow more intense the closer I am to God. I believe that my imperfections greatly amplify the perfection of God. Now I understand that when I’m weak, He is strong. If God is to be amplified then I guess I will need to know humility and be seen as weak for it is not me that trigged the struggle but rather it’s the Holy Spirit that is working in and through me. He who is righteous revealed my sinful nature. I am really disgusting. And I figured that the more disgusting I know myself to be, the more beautiful Christ will seems to be. And yes, He is the beautiful one, holy, righteous, cloaked in all His glory and majesty.

Despite of all these I’m rather surprised that God’s favor is still with me. Everyday I witness His favor showering upon me. And I know I don’t deserve all these things that put smiles on my face. Joy really kills pain. His grace has been more then sufficient for me. Not a day has passed without me acknowledging that. And for that, I’m very glad and I give thanks.

That ‘umbrella’ that He provides as shelter during times of temptation and persecution, I realized, is His grace. That ‘umbrella’ is something that we can never run away from. His grace is just there waiting for us even if we don’t desire or deserve. God’s love for us is something that should cause us to make pause.

Rights and leftovers – part 2

While bumming in my office and listening to conversations going around, I can’t help but notice that there is actually value in humility. If we were to approach everything in life as privileges rather than entitlements, we will live as happier people. I guess it’s alright to want something badly but I suppose that when we recognize the value of humility we would be able to accept unfavorable things and situations more readily instead of becoming bitter. When we can do that, favorable turnouts will become more like bonuses thus making the happy person happier.

In all our time we have been educated about human/social rights whereas part of it says that we have the basic human rights to live and from there we assume that the same applies to death as well. We actually think that we have the rights to choose to die when we want to and people call that ‘dying with dignity’. Depending on who owns us, it seems that the owner will decide our fate. If we own ourselves, then it seems logical that we have the rights to choose to die but if someone else other than ourselves own us, then it seems alright to conclude that we actually do not have any rights to our living and dying.

Now here’s the over arching assumption; with rights come power. Therefore the owner should have the power to control the process of life and death (i.e life to death, death to life, nothing to life aka creation), and therefore we can never own ourselves. Hence the concept of 'dying with dignity' is utter nonsense and the logical side to it is thus, only cosmetic.

Persecuting passively

What I read this morning shook me up - “Those who stand apathetically in the background of persecution, persecute by passivity.” Jesus said “If you are not for me, you are against me”. How can we be indifferent about certain issues and tell people that we believe in the doing or abstaining of them? Telling and living are the two different things that define our integrity.

As recorded in the Gospels, one of the most noted questions (in my opinion) Jesus have ever asked anyone is “Who do you say I am?” I really think that we should evaluate ourselves everyday by asking ourselves this very question. Our view of who Jesus is will determine our actions. The reverse is also true as well - our actions determine our beliefs. Our actions tell others what we believe in.

Day by day we should remind ourselves that we are going to die. Our condition is fatal, but it is not without hope. Let us cease not in telling people about the hope that we live for. Let us not sit on the fence and wait in hope for others to do so first. In Christ there is no such thing as ‘waiting’. If we are not for him, we are actually against him.

I guess this is a stark reminder for me today.

Rights and leftovers

Paul writing from Philippians 3:4-11

If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless. But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ (skip to verse 10) I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
-
Somehow eversince army started I realized that I became increasingly easily angered. Especially when things do not go my way when it should and could have blatantly been. It really stings when I do not get what I’m entitled to get, like when it is ‘your rights’ to have it. It also really stings when I try with all my ability to be perfect, to control things and yet things still go wrong. And that’s where I realized that failure cost me much.

I guess more and more I’m beginning to kind of understand what it feels like to be in Job’s shoes. To know that I’m really not entitled to anything and that I really don’t have any rights to anything whatsoever. I guess God is really teaching me what it means to leave everything behind - ‘rights’ inclusive. My dreams and ambition seem so plain in the light of Christ. And now the big question is if I could gladly abandon them to follow Jesus. It’s easy to sing it off but painful to actualize.

I have decided, to follow Jesus. ( x3 )
No turning back, no turning back.
The Cross before me, the world behind me. ( x3 )
No turning back, no turning back.
Thou none go with me, I still will follow. ( x3 )
No turning back, no turning back.

I tear whenever I sing this song because it reminds me of what I’m leaving behind.

Belief

I know everyone wants to believe in something but I wonder if everyone is perpetually questioning their belief system. For me, I want something that is secure and that never fails. It seems like forever since the last time I not questioned God about whether He will come through for me.

Lord you said in your word that blessed is the man who trusts in you. What is the meaning of blessedness? Will I ever live to understand it? Please don’t ever fail me. Hold me in your arms and never let me go. I am nothing without you. I still believe that you are a good God who gives good gifts to your servants to accomplish your will... I know you will.

Counting the cost

One thing that kept coming back to me during the past month is the realization of the cost of loving Jesus. Strangely we somehow need the opposites to help us understand what we thought we already knew. Being in an unconducive and hostile (and I dare say hostile) environment really sharpens and makes me stronger. Some people really hate me for being Christian, having Christian ethics, and sharing what Christ is really all about. I figured that the more committed you are to the cause of following Jesus; the more people will hate you for it.

It really takes so much to be a Christian. All the time you are tested in the most unimaginable way. Surprisingly I also realize that the more persecuted I am, the more beautiful Christ seems to me. Like what Apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 4; “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” God really is the one that sustains and keeps me sane. I thank God for the blessings and favor He has showered upon me as I follow Him with nothing more than just bare hands which are meant for holding onto him on dark grounds. After so much I realized that I still desire to follow Jesus. I thank God for the fellowship of believers. They are really God’s gift to me.

“Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.”

After so long I realized that my prayer is still more or less the same.

Candle in the dark

Just came back from field camp, it was tiring and irritating but overall I guess it was much gained. Now I treasure so many things I used to take it for granted. I was taught so many lessons; one for example was that I would never know how bright a single candle light is without going to field camp. The light from a single candle is brighter and more durable than my torchlight! At that moment I feel encouragement from God as if he was saying “The darker the night the brighter the light.”

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)

In a strange sense, the definitions I once knew have been further refined and defined. Continue to live your life as worship onto God and you will shine as bright as the candle in the dark directing people to your master :)

Pink ic

So I guess this is Goodbye :)

Paradox faith

I really thank God that He provided people to be signposts and directional signs; people who make me feel that this new phrase is not as new as it feels. It’s like experiencing something totally new but yet familiar. I came to figure that dependence on God is like driving with no steering wheel and still feeling safe because I know that someone bigger is in control. I believe that the God who created me will be the same God who will drive me to my destiny.

I guess faith is having the security to be insecure, to be able to believe without prior understanding. I may not be able to understand the logical outworking of God but now I understand one thing – that everybody experiences far more than he understands. It is the experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior.

It has been a good 10months and I have grown a lot. It’s kind of like a sabbatical and I’m very thankful for the chance to study and grow at my own pace. With the privilege of studying comes the ultimate test. I guess now its time to see what I am really made of. It will be a defining phrase.

However, this is one test I’m very afraid of failing.

*** If we talked or met up during the past month I’ll probably miss you.

Paper or people

“Do not try do take on a heavy load before your enlistment” - This is the lesson I just learnt. I suddenly have so many things that I want to do, like people that I want to meet, bulletin artwork to finish and on top of all that I have a very threatening paper dateline which so happens to fall on my enlistment date. I realized that I have so much that I want to do and this much time left. I don’t want to fail my paper and neither do I want to give up my last few drops for freedom to meet up with my friends.

I guess it really boils down to what is really important to me; in this case, paper or people? I guess I’ll be calling up the guys in AGBC tomorrow to ask them if I could change my credit module to audit and hopefully I can get some money refunded. I think it’s really sad to bum my very first attempt in theological studies. I mean who in my class would fail but me? And worst still, its failing by bailing out :(

I have really given up too many things while struggling for this stupid paper. It's just sad that the things I have given up are irreversible. Among the many things I have given up the most important ones would be the East Asia mission trip and one of my closer friends - the atheist who taught me to reflect on my thinking. He just flew off to Taiwan looking for a job and I don't know if I will ever meet him again. It just pains me so much to think that I decided not to meet up with him because I have a ‘so important’ paper to finish. I really really hope that I will see him in heaven. Oh God! How can I be so blind as to reject the people you treasure for pieces of words on paper?

I guess it’s these types of constrains and limitations that really help us cherish time. To learn that good things don’t last forever and that you don’t have forever to spend your time.

Self reflection

I really think that there are two parts to 'loving your neighbor'; one is the 'giving love' and the other is the 'receiving love'. One can give love passionately and yet be passionately rejected. Can someone have so much passion that he or she becomes obnoxious in the eyes of everyone? I just met a reflection of myself just now and to think that I’m actually so repulsive and such a ‘pain in the neck’ for my leaders. I really thank God for opening my eyes to make me aware of myself. Sorry everyone, I sincerely thank you all for bearing with my shortcomings and being patient with me.

When revelation is not coupled with wisdom, truth becomes repulsive.

On a brighter note, Melvin, Natalie and Amanda wrote me a birthday poem on the bus and I think it’s interestingly funny!

Dear Matthew,

You are the cool
You don’t look like a fool
You are going army now
We’re getting you a cow
Amanda thinks this is lame
What to do, that’s your name
Do you like beetle bugs?
If you don’t, you are a slug
This is really so exciting
We wish you the best
Space is running out
Remember to get more rest.

(While you can)

Oh gosh…

Free love

You know how time with important people is always so precious and beautiful? That person gave me her time and I decide to give her mine.

I read in a book (I think it’s called '360 leadership') that most people who worked in Microsoft for all their lives never get to meet Bill Gates. And all of them are eager to have a private coffee session with him for 45 minutes. Time with important people is always precious. It costs them something.

There is no such thing 'free love'. Love is the most costly thing in the world. God gave us his only son. Jesus gave his life for us to be able to stand righteous before God. In order for us to love, we will have to give our attention to that special someone and leave the others unattended to. The best thing about love is that it is freely given to us all. That is only possible for a God who is omnipresent. That love when freely given is considered unconditional.

When we freely receive something, it doesn't mean it’s free. I really thank God. He gave me His time. He hears me.

Self doubt

I wonder why we always emphasize on the spiritual need when the emotional need is just as important. When one of our needs is not fulfilled we will tend to use people (unconsciously) as means to meet that need. The needs are real and so should be our approach. The emotional need is not something that can be solved by a spiritual answer.

At the root of every wrong intention is a need not met. Wrong intentions can easily breed disharmony in the body of Christ. If we want to serve God effectively, we will need to meet that need. We need to constantly question the reason as to why we feel the need to serve. Is it to satisfy our egos? Is it to make us feel important? Or is it out of the love for the people. Never serve and lead out of need.

When a particular area of need is not satisfied it will quickly become a stepping stone for the devil in our lives. I figured that however pure my intentions are, I will always be forced to question my unintended intentions. Whenever we are lacking in a particular emotional area, our credibility and authenticity of our actions can be easily doubted by people and by ourselves. Meaning there will always be a possibility that we are deluding ourselves with our ‘righteous motives’ when we serve. After all what makes us think that when we serve we are serving out of love and not out of a selfish reason?

Anyways this approach is unreasonably restrictive. If I have to construct an argument for everything I believe and upon which I act, I’ll believe little and act little. I do not want to doubt myself any longer. Lord, set me free to serve you.

He remembers me

As my birthday and coming enlistment date draws near, I got down to planning a list of people that I really want to spend my (remaining) days with; people important to me; people whom I really treasure and are close to. As I plan my exclusive schedule and prepare the list of people, it suddenly occurred to me that actually I am not very close to my peers, I don’t really have many peers that I call close friends. I realized that I’m actually much closer to many of the youths and I desire to be with them much much more than with my peers.

With this thought I sudden found a reason as to probably why I seem to be much more effective in the youth ministry. Is my preference of time spent with the youth actually based on my lack of peer friends? Does this really mean that I love them then, or is my so called ‘love’ for them actually based on a very selfish reason? If that is so, then I guess it’s really sad and its time I consider about what I am doing.

As I dwell on what loneliness felt, I evaluated myself and question if I do have a character problem. Well, after all I felt that my situation doesn’t really seemed normal at all. I prayed and cried. Loneliness is a really painful feeling I guess. Even when one is surrounded by people loneliness is still very much felt. People only help to mask the pain I guess.

But last Saturday’s YA service was really memorable. The message by Pastor Kieran is really what I needed so much to hear. It’s almost like God speaking to me and that slot of the day meant especially for me. I guess it’s a way of how God shows me that He is the big guy up there who hears my cries. For the first time I really felt restored and vision refocused.

I guess the pastors in school are right, ministry is really lonely. There are so many things you can’t share with your members and so many things that you need to keep to yourself. There will be things that they can’t understand and might never be able to understand and relate to you. I realized that the more committed I am to my ministry, the lonelier I’ll will get. And when my ‘world’ becomes my ministry, I am actually inviting myself into a ‘lion’s den’ of loneliness.

A servant has no time off and is to serve the master 24/7. Although this reality really seems tiring and torturous I guess I am always reminded of one very fundamental thing; that He really does love his servants. I am really thankful that in the midst of my struggles that Yahweh remembers me; even though when I feel that I really don’t deserve to be remembered. Serving a kind master is always a joy and a privilege.

I really like it when poet George Herbert described prayer as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." and he goes on and concludes his grand description of prayer as "something understood." Really, Yahweh hears us, He understands us. He remembers me.

The faith element

I spent my whole week at the teen games with these boys and I really love them. I really want to see them all saved.

I figured that the two words ‘Have Faith’ is actually very powerful. They can be used to the benefit of your belief and also for your non belief. Like for example as much as the Christian can have faith in God, the Christian can also choose to have faith in his doubts and skepticism, choosing not to let go. Faith leads us in the direction we want it to lead us into. Faith can be of use for God or against God. If we publicly proclaim that we have faith in Yahweh then we must be careful not to stand at the wrong side of our living faith.

This is sobering reminder that we can be so comfortable, confident and self sufficient that we can delude ourselves into thinking that we do not need God. When all is going well and comfortable, there exists a temptation to have too much faith in ourselves and to think that we do not need God.

It's really painful to see the way the youths worship God. I mean how can we actually sing ‘church on fire’ as if the church is really on fire? It’s so hypocritical to sing about what you do not believe and people display their faith in their unbelief in their attitude towards God. If one does not believe in the truth that they are singing about, the truth then becomes lies that people unconsciously sprout out from their mouths. In other words, if we do not sing the truth in faith, we sing lies.

Pray people pray. Pray for your ministry and your non Christian friends.

Grace - the meaning of forgiveness

The more we can understand how wretched we really are, the more we can understand the meaning and intensity of the word 'grace'. Love unconditioned was bestowed onto us to make us his children without our prior knowledge or consent. Just like we whom never got a chance to choose our parents, God willed us to be called his own. And to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

It’s as simple as that! Many times I guess I tired too hard to be a worthy son to my father in heaven. I really thought that the more I can bring before him the happier he would be and the worthier I would feel. And to worship I bring along my talents, gifting and voices all in hoping they would please God. But now my Lord tells me to simply come. Obedience is better then sacrifices, and my presence before him is much valued then what I can bring to him. Presence is valued much more than presentation. God being the giver of all gifts and talents need not us to please him using those.

Freedom from the hunt for individuality can only be found in Christ alone. When we know this truth, truly we are free. People can refine us, but only God can define us. Jesus didn’t defend himself when he was captured and/or scorned. His identity is not from the people but rather it is that from his heavenly father. His security of kingship identity is from a transcendental perspective and thus because his kingship is secured, he can freely be a servant to all Man.

As our focus is on God and son-ship identity secured we too are set free to serve. Christ’s claim of kingship rule is never geographical or political but more potently it is that of the heart. His rule in our hearts is a choiced decision, not a forced one. If that is Christ’s focus, we must amplify that.

Lord, as we look to you, bring us to a ‘place’ where we have got nothing to loose.
-
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

Never ceasing

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. (1 Samuel 12:23)

Samuel was always concerned for the children of Israel. For Samuel, beside his primary ministry to Yahweh, his ministry focus is to the Israelites. He is to be a faithful mouth piece for the Lord delivering the Word of God to all Israel. Failing which, he regards as failing what he was called to do and thus sinned before Yahweh.

Now, there’s nothing particularly wrong about not praying, but as a leader am I being faithful to my calling and my responsibility? Will I able to say the same thing as Samuel did in the face of constant failure by children of Israel to recognize Yahweh’s sovereignty? Will I give up in the face of discouragement?

Like Samuel, our primary ministry is to Yahweh. And while our ministry focuses may defer, let us minister and grow before the Lord just like Samuel did for we are called to minister before the Lord first before we minister to his people. Far be it from me that I should minister to people with an empty cup. I have nothing to offer as such.

I shall not cease in praying for the ministry that I love.

Blunder after blunder

Art/design or theology/philosophy? Two different worlds with two different directions. Just finished my first Old Testament module exam and I think I blew it. Am I really made for this? What is ‘calling’ exactly? Am I really ‘called’ into this? How come I was so sure of what God wants me to do back then but now when I’m in it (and in my first blunder) my vision is blurred? Probably Pastor Ronald is right, it’s my first exam and I’ll sooner or later get the hang of it… I hope so too. But I'm think I’m just so lost now for now. Probably it’s back to art for the time being. I don’t know anymore.

“Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. Server any ties but the ties that bind me to your service and to your heart.” – David Livingstone

One hundred percent

There are some thing that just wouldn't do without the hundred percent, one of them is obedience. Its opposite is disobedience and disobedience is actually pride. Whatever percentage of our life that is not subjected to God is our percentage of pride. “Pride comes before a fall” ever thought how that phrase come about? As I study 1 Samuel, time and time again I am reminded about the consequence of not obeying. Intentional disobedience before God comes before a fall.

For the past few days the word obedience kept hitting me again and again like a ton of bricks. So what does it really means? What does 100% really means? In class we were asked that question and the lecturer demanded practical answers. I still remember some of it: One says that if you are a missionary or if you know you are called to be one, you will jolly well take your kids out of the Singapore education system. And for many times you may not even get to see your kids very often. Another gives the scenario of dropping your studies and do the things that you are told to or called to. Delayed obedience is disobedience and is pride.

Of all the practical examples, one principle in lies in common and it is the same way as God tested Abraham with the offering of his son, Isaac, who is his one son of which, his ‘world’ kind of revolves around. Let’s look at Apostle Peter, Jesus also asked him a defining question as recorded in John 21:15 “do you love me more then these?” Now Jesus is referring to the fishes that he just caught and thus Jesus is comparing Peter’s love for Him to Peter’s love for fishing. The same can be said about us. Are we willing to give up the important things that we hold on to so tightly and swap them with Jesus? Do we love Jesus more then ‘these’?

I know what it means, I know what I’m called to and I struggle with the thought of it. So for me, to acknowledge them is really very painful. I may be obeying but it is still very painful to see the things that I want so much float away. Its like when you realized that you can't have both worlds at the same time, it becomes like a so-near-yet-so-far kind of thing. Am I actually willing to give up my personal desires for the greater desire of God? What does it really means to take up my cross daily and follow Jesus? Without obedience, faith holds no ground.

God from the Hebrew perspective

We know that the OT books were written in Hebrew and NT in Greek. The 4 Gospels are by basically recordings of Jesus' life and Jesus is a Hebrew, his words and teachings are mostly directed to the Hebrews. This makes the 4 Gospels very ‘Hebrew’ although written in Greek. Basically the Hebrews are circular in their thinking and Greeks, liner. We as Western Singaporeans are more to the Greek side. I have a more artistic mind and less of the logical hence tend to be more circular then liner. Probably this is the reason as to why I have no problem understanding OT theology and the 4 Gospels but struggle intensively when it comes to grasping the precepts of the NT books as most of them were written by Paul directed at the Greek/Roman world.

For the Greeks, every concept introduced needs to be backed with some sort of explanation (liner) but for the Hebrews not everything needs to be explained, but you need to note the author’s main point of the story. For the Hebrews, concepts are more fluid, more ‘out of the box’ whereas the Greeks like everything to be packaged ‘in a box’. So therefore when we read or study Hebrew text, if we read God with a Greek mindset, we are totally missing the author’s point and therefore, taking the text out of the context, misinterpreting what it was meant to be interpreted.
-
Let us now look at God in relation to evil as portrayed in the OT, with our minds tuned to the Hebrew mindset.

Surprisingly the word ‘Satan’ is used only 13 times in the whole OT. (and it bears no connotations with luck mind you!) It’s a Hebrew word which literally means ‘the accuser’ or ‘the adversary’. Meaning ‘The one who is against’. Yet the reason the word "Satan" is mentioned 13 times and 12 of it, in the book of Job (in conversations between God and Satan) is because in much of the OT, Yahweh is seen as the cause of evil as much as good.

There are many examples to show that this was no problem in the earlier period. Take Amos 3:6 for example. And in exodus we see Yahweh hardening the heart of pharaoh. In 1Samuel 1:3-8 we see Yahweh is the one that brings about the barrenness of Hannah. Here again and again we see Yahweh does both good and bad things. This God of seemingly ‘double standards’ persists even into the NT period until the time of clement of Rome in the 2nd century AD who says: "God has a right hand and a left hand and both of them bring about his will." In other words he is saying one bringing Good and the other bringing evil. Modern theologians (who are liner thinkers), as we know have trouble with talk like that.

So I being liner, tried to figure God out and I figured that God did not create evil but God created a definition of good that seems to include evil. Evil gains its definition from good and so does good gains its definition from evil. God is surely tolerating evil and it appears that beyond tolerating, God is even making use of it to define what is good and perfect. To the Hebrews, God is unquestionably sovereign. There was no concept of doubt in the Hebrew mindset. When there is a problem, their solution is worship. To them, it is all about Yahweh and his sovereignty. When there is no doubt, it tells Yahweh that He is sovereign. Probably that is the reason why the prophet Habakkuk starts his 3 chaptered book ‘singing the song of the atheist’, dealing with the problem of evil, but ended his book with worship. And with worship comes renewed strength.

To the Hebrews, Yahweh is the God with the power of reconciling opposites. Yahweh is the one who causes barrenness to bear ‘fruit’. Yahweh is the one who lead the oppressed into victory. Yahweh is the one who make the weak nation a conquering nation provided they pledge their allegiance to him. For examples see Abraham and Sarah, see the childless and therefore oppressed and despised Hannah, see the Israelites in their debilitated form devoid of iron weaponry technology against the ‘powerful’ Philistines as portrayed in 1Samuel. The only ‘weapon’ they had was Yahweh and surprisingly, they had victory every time except the times they disobeyed Yahweh. Hence the definition of Yahweh by Paul, as in Romans 4:17, “the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.” This is the foundational image of God for the Hebrews in the OT as well as for the Christians in both Paul and Jesus’ time. This is precisely the reason as to why G.K. Chesterton in his essay, ‘Introduction to the Book of Job’, writes that “The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man.”

This does not mean throwing logic out of the window either. I figured that general logic could best be divided into 3 categories, besides the logical and the illogical categories; there is a third, which is the ‘beyond’. Logic has its limits. It cannot guarantee wisdom. It cannot prove or disprove inspiration or love. It cannot replace the intuition gained through experience. Such are then placed in the third category. The Hebrews in their ‘simple’ mindset understood this. And beyond understanding, they arranged their life around their fundamental belief and hence it became culturally embedded.

I guess Rev.Houger said it right when he said “We think too much like the Greeks, we need to think more like the Hebrews.” If we want to understand God the way He was understood by the Hebrews, we better think and understand God and do apologetics in context. I guess this is what faith is all about - Understanding something of greater value through the initial lack of understanding.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

Abide with me

You know like how we always pray for power to do all things? I came to realize that instead, I was given weakness of such titanic proportions so that I might feel the need of God. And now I really need God! Humility is really painful. The Chinese is really killing me. But there’s one thing that I can be assured of. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. God's power is best expressed through my weakness. In my weakness, He is strong.

Only God alone knows how to humble a man without humiliating him and only God alone knows how to lift up a man without flattering him. What a mighty God we serve!

---
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide!
When other helpers fail, and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

- Some verses from hymn "Abide with me" by Henry F. Lyte

Cultural Christianity

There is a certain way the gospel is heard when one’s stomach is empty and a very different way it is heard when people are satisfied. The gospel is first heard by people who were longing and thirsty, those who were poor and oppressed in one sense or another. They know their need and emptiness.

Religious education has for years given people answers to the questions they are not asking. The people accept the answers quickly and easily. And very often they spout the answers for the rest of their lives. For example, “God allow suffering to test us” and stuff like that. I call them canned answers. People apply the answers they learnt to questions without thinking as if they were as simple as some mix and match thing. People change but the answers (not implying content but method) do not and that is where the problem begin. Try saying that to someone who is going through intense grief, the answer, however true, will fall flat.

Such knowledge can pass away as quickly as it came because of the basic reason that we never thirsted for it in the first place. Until we make space inside, what comes is not an answer but an excuse not to face the question, an excuse to stop searching, to avoid the journey and sadly many people are no longer on that journey. We have easy Christian answers before we struggled with the questions.

If we wished to know more about the heart and mind of God, we will have to ask Him to allow us to feel what it means to be empty, to be abandoned and to be uncared for. We must go inside and find the rejected and fearful parts within each of us and try to live there if life has not placed us there yet. That should allow us a deeper communion with the oppressed of the world and at the same time a deeper understanding of the heart and mind of God. And most importantly His desire to reach out to them.

We have to face our fears and doubts. An awful lot of religion is an excuse for not facing our fears and doubts. True religion is not of denial but of transformation by God (Romans 4:17) “who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.” God walks us into our fears, to feel them, to own them and to let them teach us.

God’s heart is love and His love is for the people, lets not give answers and quote scriptures as if the answers and scriptures are more important than the people.
-
Speaking of scriptures, nothing in the New Testament says that the primary authority is the scriptures themselves. Scriptural authority points itself to God. And since the scripture is the word of God for the people, then the direct authority of Godly/Christian living should be based on the word of God. This is the concept! When we make an idol of the book, when we make an end to the words themselves, we get into trouble. The point of scripture is to do the very thing that that writers of scripture did, that Moses and Abraham did, to go out on a journey and there meet the Lord. And then continually come back to the word of God for confirmation and consolation.

Jesus told his religious leaders that they “know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times (generation).” (Matthew 16:3 emphasis mine) What Jesus is saying is that if we are not a listening people, a discerning people, a humble and open people, we are not going to find much truth. We are simply going to have our scripture passages and instead of them being an avenue to God, the scripture themselves becomes a barrier.

God’s heart is love and His love is for the people, lets not give answers and quote scriptures as if the answers and scriptures are more important than the people.

Understanding evil

Came across two interesting words of Greek origin today and they really helped me to understand the notion of evil and how it functions.

When we speak of evil, two words come to play at this point and we must understand them: “Symbolic” and “Diabolic”. “Symbolic” means to throw together and “diabolic” means to throw apart. Evil is always dualistic, always separates, examples would be body from soul, heart from mind, human from divine, masculine from feminine. Whenever we see separation, evil comes into the world.

Symbolism however, always reconnects what has been thrown apart. This probly explains why healthy religion (“re-ligio” = blind back together) throughout history, gives us symbols and images of reconciliation that heal and put together what has been taken apart. God is always the great reconciler and healer of opposites.

God hold together our person while Satan always tries to divide. Here evil can be seen as the destruction of purpose. What God has put together let no man put asunder.

Seek and sougth

You know how numerous times we are reminded in the gospel that God is in search of us, that he came to seek and save the lost. I think this truth puts everything in perspective for us.

In the midst of our struggle to walk righteously in obedience to the God, sometimes the struggle becomes so intense that it compels us to think that we are looking for Him but we find out later that he has come in search of us as well. The genuine seeker after God will find out that he too is being sought by God.

The more deeply we enter into the mystery of Christ the thinner the line between joy and suffering becomes. For me sometimes I’ll have to think twice to realize whether what I’m feeling is joy or sorrow. Once the heart is surrendered, I guess the only important question becomes if I am doing God's will. Whether it brings me personal happiness or sadness is no longer of primary concern.

On time

I had an interesting colleague when I was working back in my studio. Because of the nature of our work we always work overtime and sometimes get off work at 11pm. So these are the times when we get our free cab ride home. So as I hop on a cab, I asked my colleague if he is getting one too. He said no and the reason being that he is not in a hurry. Somehow his reply has been sticking with me for so long and I can even remember it so vividly till now. When I heard that from him, something inside me goes wow because I really want that mindset.

I guess I really need to loosen up on my concept of time. Ever since I got back from Indonesia I’ve been cabing around alot. I haven't been very patient with the buses. Every time I decided to save some money I would end up spending half an hour waiting and waiting and it’s really irritating. Half an hour for $10? Is my time really worth so much yet? I really need to change in this area.

I really love traveling. I like to be in the observation mode. I like the sight of everyday life and most importantly alot of times God will remind me of alot of things I normally wouldn't have. But all these wouldn't happen if I’m not in the "mood". I realize that there are many things that shape our mood for the day, and if we can control those things then we can control our mood. I believe that mood can be trained. Like for example leaving the waking up earlier and leaving the house half an hour earlier for every meeting. This frees us up to wait and not hurry around.

Isn't this true with our Quiet Time as well? I have realized that the prerequisite of observation is a still spirit. How can I come to God like a rushing wind? The consciousness of time (or rather the lack of it) during our QT actually robs us from more of God. That’s why God tells the psalmist to be still and know that he is God. I believe that stillness, like mood can be trained. Can I too, in all my busyness, be still and in doing so show that God is more important then what I am busy with.

Unwilling

I've been waiting for one year and really want to go for EAsia trip but comfort tells me no. Honestly I don't really want to start praying for them not because I don't want per se but because I know that the burden is there and I don't want to stir it because I know what stirring it means. It means learning Chinese, attending Chinese services and my parents' Chinese cell groups and subjecting myself to so much discomfort and basically those are the things which I have been avoiding for a very long time. And I also know that a burden is something that you can't keep silent for too long. Let’s see when it will burst.

OH GOD! Die to myself? I have already died to my dreams and aspirations, what more do you want from me? How much more do you want me to give up? Must you drive me to absolute brokenness so that in all darkness you will shine brighter and that everyone might see you at the expense of me?

I seem to encounter so many crossroads recently. So many decisions to make that might change my life as it is. I'm so tired of them. So many things have been on my mind recently and now it’s in a mess (as usual).

---

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Like Noah

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." (1 Peter 3:14-15)

You know like how we always focus on the being prepared to answer doubts and stuff like that? When i read these verses again today it suddenly struck me that holiness is a prerequisite for the person giving a response for the hope that we have in Christ Jesus. Setting our hearts apart for Christ our Lord is major part of the preparation. The single greatest obstacle to the impact of the gospel has not been its inability to provide answers, but the failure on our part to live it out.

I read somewhere that the Irish evangelist Gypsy Smith once said, "There are five Gospels: Matthew Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian, and some people will never read the first four." In other words he is saying that the gospel is often first seen before it is heard. The way one's life is lived out will determine the impact upon the skeptic. Too many skeptics see the quality of one's life and firmly believe that it is all theory, bearing no supernatural component.

"Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." It was clear to me that this is talking about the fear of Man. This reminded me of Noah. Imagine when Noah first started out building the ark, when he started collecting tools and timber. His neighbors probably thought he had decided to build a new house or something like that. Perhaps Noah was happy for them to think that way. It would be much easier not to correct their assumption, not to have to explain what a flood was and why his family was going to need a large boat to escape one and worse still, having to have to explain that animals were coming too.

Well, he probably did that but when as his construction gets bigger and more obvious (esp. when he starts coating it with pitch), people is bound to take notice. Then at that point of time he's is faced with the same choice we as God fearing Christians face everyday. He is being faced with a decision to come up with a plausible story or telling the truth and looking like a fool.

I remembered what Jeanie always said to her cell kids that "if Christ is so big in your life, he should be sticking out." For me, i do have a problem when it comes to this. I really want to grow and do things for the glory of God but at the same time i struggle with it as i don't want my faith to become big and noticeable. When people who are expecting me to be earning big bucks ask me where I am working, i struggle with telling them what i was doing. Many times when i struggle i always wonder about the strength of my faith. I guess in the eyes of the world, living a life that is radically countercultural is as difficult to understand as building an ark miles away from water.

Noah could have made his situation easier by only half-heartedly fulfilling the command of God. He could have as easily built a smaller ark, one that would be less noticeable. But Noah feared his creator more than he feared men, even to the point that he was willing to be considered a fool by those around him. The writer of Hebrews tells us, "By faith Noah, when warned of things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith" (Hebrews 11:7).

You know like how alot of us Christians call attention to our lifestyle and worldview, boasting of our righteous choices (not saying that it’s wrong) but in Noah's case, he didn't need to do this. The ark spoke for itself. His obedience to God proclaimed his faith louder than his words could have. And the same can be true of us.

Do we talk about resurrection but not living out its power in our lives? Before we try to answer what people ask, let us live our lives in direct obedience to God. Obedience is better then sacrifices.

The Boy and the Fly

Do you remember the times when you just feel so ignored by everybody? As i drew this i was reminded once again that the key point about this scenario is not about us being the boy in the illustration but rather more importantly, are we being the fly? As we being too busy or too obsessed with what we have to do and being too "sucked in" by our culture with a heavy efficiency accent?

I was reminded once again as i read Rachoo's blog that there is flip side to loving someone and that is to leave all others unloved for the moment or period of time. The more you love someone or something, the more time is spent for that subject matter and interest skewed towards a certain direction. The more you love a particular someone or something, the lesser time and interest you have for everything else.

Having said this, the question that Samantha asked quite some time back still rings in my mind; "How can we reconcile the concepts of love versus and that of divine love"; meaning to say that if the concept of loving means to leave all others unloved. How then can God's pure, undivided and eternal love be for an individual and yet that same love be for everybody as many individuals all the same.

Without going too deep on the doctrinal issues on God's omnipresence, omnipotence and divine love, more importantly i figured that any theological answer if given (for this question) would still leave one unsatisfied because the very nature of the question derives from the heart. The heart seeks to feel and the mind seeks to know. Somehow we need more then ever to rescue those answers from doctrinal statements and put it into our hearts. And therefore i would say that this question can only be fully answered by having a personal relationship with God himself, the strength of the relationship is defined as faith and this gives spirituality its meaning.

Lifted from Rachoo's blog and qouted from Lewis Smedes in his book "Love Within Limits", he wrote this, "When Jesus healed one leper, he left hundreds unhealed. His life was a continual series of choices to love one way and not another." The keyword here is continual.

The personhood of God is manifested through Christ. Yes we are not God and we cannot love all people at the same time but let that not be an excuse to just sit back with the we-are-made-like-this attitude. Jesus said to his disciples: "Love one another even as I have loved you. If we as Christ's disciples, all seek to be more and more like him, should we not then follow his example? Now i understand the reason behind the impetus that the late Mother Theresa had for her ministry in Calcutta.

When i was in Indonesia what impacted me most is the many "Mother Theresa"s that i met. I had the opportunity to most importantly witness them in ministry. Its really amazing how love devoid of all intentions can minister to people.

Has love lost its implications in modern context? I don't want that to apply to me. I pray that i'll be a good steward of the time given to me so that i'll be able to spend more time with people for they are also my ministry. To live everyday as my last or their last.

---

ps: I have written a blog post in the past about loving devoid of all intentions and i thought that it would be a nice compliment to what i wrote here, you can read it at this link.

In the now

God is speaking, and when you understand it he revels more. In 1Samuel 3, we can see that God only begins to reveal more to Samuel when he said “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening”. God only reveals more to Samuel when he understands who is speaking to him. God is speaking, and when we recognize it, he reveals more. This principle of knowing God’s truth and obeying it is pivotal to knowing more truth. Personal revelation in this sense is thus progressive.

I know i have a prophetic calling and am specifically called to teach and to preach. I'm very scared but i also know that unless i curb this and obey, I can never exprience the "how much more" God wants to reveals to me. I want his glory to dwell in me because i know where the glory of the lord dwells, there the voice of the Lord is heard.

Scared as i am, i now leave my world behind. All my abilities and knowledge, they now mean nothing to me. Now i crave to hear him speak. Now i also know one thing, and that is to forget what is behind and straining toward what is ahead and press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

My soul delights in knowing you hear my prayers and that i have a promise which i can hold on to secure.

Remember the surrender

I remember the surrender
It give me strength
It light my way
It creates ringing memories
Created too fast
Please slow down

Driving with no stirring wheel
Still feeling safe with you around
Please slow down
Please slow down (we are moving too fast)
Please slow down (we are moving too far)

Walking with both eyes blind
Still feeling safe with you around
Please slow down
Please slow down (we are moving too fast)
Please slow down (we are moving too far)

Watch your step now, leave everything behind
Don't mind the dark, just close your eyes
Don't be afraid, he will lead the way

He will be there for you.
He will be there for me.

Reunion no more

Lots of food will be on the table tonight but both of my brothers will not be coming home, not only tonight but for the rest of the week against their will. What are we as a family (my parents and i) going to say to the people we meet, what excuses can we give? Should we use this situation to proclaim God's goodness or should we see it as public shame? The sense of disappointment is everywhere but i know that this would happen sooner or later since they choose not to listen to sound wisdom. But at least i know that they are safer where they are for the time being. I pray and hope that God will open the eyes of my brothers to see Him and in his grace and mercy, let repentance take place.

Theres no hype in the house, no anticipation, no nothing. I'm tired but i cannot sleep. I can't help but think so much about how every single one in my family must be feeling right now. What shall i say to my relatives? What shall i say to their friends? Should i even share? Wordless i face everybody. Even eloquence can be a serious disability when you got nothing to say. I'm very afraid.

If you know what happened in my family would you please pray for us? Thanks.

Language beautiful

Actually its not the spoken language itself that is the one that is especially beautiful, if we were to funnel it down, its the way people connect to one another of a total different culture. Its beautiful when people work together towards a common goal and when people sing with one voice. Imagine on that grand final day as depicted in the book of Revelation where everyone from every tongue and every tribe gathers to sing praises to God. How wonderful and grand would the resounding praise be!

I have been on three mission trips and each one to a different country, learning different languages each time. If you have ever been on a mission trip you will understand what i meant when i talk about the joy one will feel when you hear people worship God with their own language. Especially when they sing a song that is translated from the English version in which you always sing. It really brings about a different dimension to worship itself. Just like love and sin can only exist in a world of freewill, probably that is the beauty of the diversifying of Man at the tower of Babel - to magnify the beauty of God's intention at the coming end of time.

Languages may be created by humanity but language is not. (Note the 's') In Psalms 19 King David says that the very creation has a language (aka DNA). Romans 1 and 2 speak about us having a moral law within, the innate conscience to know right from wrong. There is this certain language in creation that transcends beyond the languages created by humanity. People may not understand you by the way you speak but people sure can understand you in the way you show love. Love is the universal language started by our Abba Father. Where there is love, anointing, gifting and talents though important, really makes themselves look so secondary. Without love we labor for nothing.

How beautiful repentance is. When there is repentance, there is forgiveness. And then restoration takes place. How beautiful is the whole idea of redemption. You said that the whole heavens rejoice with the repentance of one soul and that You are like that running father of that prodigal son. Now i understand why. I desire to see you glorified.

Somewhere in the hunger of the human heart and the sovereignty of God, God has a way of bring the word to them. The genuine seeker after God will find out that he is also sought by God. It is because of that innate conscience (moral law within) that we all need God to be in the picture. Without him in the equation, nothing makes sense, even the questions that everyone is asking doesn't make sense. If we understand the very character of God then we will find that impetus within our heart to know that reality of God makes a difference in the way we think, live and behave.

If time is the brush which God paints on the canvas of the human heart, then eternity is the perspective when we get to look at the full picture. Although language is a really big barrier for all of us when we go on mission trips, we must constantly remind ourselves of the full picture. That will be enough hope to spur us to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Indonesia here I come!

To be unbreakable

It had never occured to me that we all made plans to be unbreakable and in doing so, we unknowingly left God out of the picture we paint for ourselves. The world is so alluring. When i made the conscious decision to reject all paid incoming work to concentrate on the R.E.A.L. program, i have been recieving calls from my friend everyday because he got jobs for me to do. and each job are paid quite handsomely.

It really feels so difficult to reject those offers but i know that i have to. But i'm happy, i'm contented, i have more then enough and i'm not looking for money now. Its just abit weird that when i made the decision to do the things God told me to do, then all the blessings all keep coming at the same time and they come in such a big bunch that i don't have enough hands to even pick them up. Compared to the joy, contentment and satisfaction of responding to God's call, i realised that my dreams and ambitions really seemed so plain.

I eat my words now, I don't want to die. Being alive means that you can feel joy although along with it comes pain. Being died is like robbing yourself of joy... and pain. I have grown to realise that joy holds more weight than pain. It is at that moment of joy that we feel that all the pain is worth it and at that moment pain don't even seem to cross your mind and theres wonder in everything.

I have never felt so good being alive, I've never been so satisfied. His grace is really more than enough for me. I'm now really in a state of wonder, excitement and gratefulness for God have been capturing my heart over and over again, always not allowing me to stray that far away. He is the good shepherd.

---

"The Sun And The Moon" by Mae

Wasted time. I can not say that i was ready for this. But when worlds collide, and all that I have is all that i want. The words seem to flow and the thoughts they keep running. And all that I have is yours. All that I am is yours.

Painted skies. I've seen so many that cannot compare, to your ocean eyes. The pictures you took that cover your room, and it was just like the sun but more like the moon. A light that cant reach at all. So now im branded for taking the fall.

So when you say forever, can't you see you've already captured me.

Long distance running

Two years ago i decided to work my ass off because i wanna forget something and i realised that the busyness worked like magic. Then i realised that i cannot seem to end what i started. I cannot seem not to be busy anymore. I think i've grown used to the numbness and escape that perpetual busyness can bring. I'm so tired of running but it seems like i can't stop running. When can i stop when i'm actually still very much afraid. I realised that time is not a healer. Time is only a revealer of how i function and my intentions (which were unknown to me) behind my actions.

I developed this image one year ago. I realised that the girl in the image reflects me. I'm holding on to so many balloons because i'm afraid to touch the ground. Now when i reflect back i realised why i seem to like balloons or rather, the concept of doing things in mid air. As much as they protray freedom, they also protray escape.

It had been raining and temperature hovering at 24 degrees for the past few days and i love it so much that i forgot that Singapore used to be around 30+ degrees. Now that the sun is back up again i realised how much i actually love to be in melancholy.

Beautifool hope

Its two totally different aspects to grow yourself and to structure an environment to help many other people grow as well. The later is so not me and its so difficult to grow into somebody you are not. Everyday i can literally and figuratively feel the painful moulding. I'm really struggling and at times i really felt that God is so far from me but i'm glad that i have made the choice to subject myself to the uncertainties, the often felt feelings of inadequacy and to struggle through them. If i am to be what God wanted me to be, i know that i should hold on to the vision he gave me and therefore this is my next step. Very often i ask myself "if God is with me why am i still so insecure about so many things." To hell with the money and comfort if they were to draw me away from the presence of God.

I happened to be reading the book of Job the day when i listened to one of Ravi Zacharias's radio talkshows messages on "The Questions of a Man in Agony". Naturally its about Job. Its particularly interesting to me to study how God answers Job's questions.

One of the answers that God gave to Job is the arguement from design. Ravi keynoted that among all the natural wonders of the world, one of the most beautiful and most common wonders in the world is a tiny fragile entity that people call a baby. God is trying to tell us as he is telling Job that He has fashioned them, He has created them. If God could take chaos in this universe and yet bring forth such beautiful design can He not take such trouble and turmoil in your life and bring some design out of it?

What a timely in-your-face encouragement to know that we have trouble, trails and sorrows but not as those without hope. God is all sovereign and He does makes everything beautiful in his time.

God is like the sun. You cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else. (GK.Chesterton)

I want to die

What a catching title isn't it? Yes it is true, i do want to die. Not that i'm suicidal or depressed and all but just that when you think about it, it would be better if God take you away now then when you have more people depending on you to live. Well thats what i think would be better. But then God is still God, if i choose to exsist for His purpose then whether died or alive i would want to be of use to God.

Well, this is just a passing thought which is not-so-new in my mind. Just that i'm very tired because of all the workload and that Enzheng suddenly asked me what i want. So i answered that i want to die because i figured that when i die, i'll get to really rest in peace physically, emotionally and spirtually. Anyways i realised that i'm not alone in this manic depressive mindset, big names in the bible wished to die too. Isaiah is one, Apostle Paul too (among many others). He said that he wish he could die but it was not his time yet.

Slog on matt, its not your turn yet. Live for the kingdom of God and because you so love the people around you who are still alive.

---

Here I am at your feet
Crying out to you
Draw me near, hold me close
Lord I wait on you
For you are my greatest love
You are my comforter and strength
You are the first, You are the last
You are my guiding light

I will run, I will soar
On eagles' wings
As I wait on you Lord
My strength is restored
Fix my eyes on you Jesus
As I run this this race
Help me fight this fight of faith

Joy kills pain

Its really weird that when you serve God with literally nothing that you exprience all the little somethings that makes you happy. The weirdest thing is that in the midst of all that people call "blessings", you realised that prior to them (the blessings) you actually really do not know that there are so many things that can make you happy.

It is then you can really understand what it really means to "count your blessings" for you have so much more things to give thanks for. You will realise that you pray better, praise and give thanks more honestly, basically to say things that you really mean and most importantly you will get to know what it really means to worship in spirit and in truth for by then you have already lived in truth and understood it first hand. It is then you will clearly understand that the God that you worship is a God that provides for you and will never let you go hungry. And it is because of this truth that you are living in that you can really rest assured that He will never leave you or forsake you. And it is now that you can truely say with full conviction that God is indeed Good.

Its when you serve God with your all and becoming nothing that your eyes and heart really opens up and become sensitive to everything. You become more aware of the sacrifices that you make and the pain that it involves. Most importantly, you will also understand that the joy of serving God clearly outweights the painful part of it all. And it is this thing that people call "Joy of the Lord" that money can't buy or exchange for. It is indeed a Joy to serve the Lord my God.

---

Where the evening fades
You call forth songs of joy
As the morning wakes
We Your children give You praise

You are magnificent, eternally
Wonderful, glorious
No one ever will compare to You

Ideas have consequences

Its just feels so bad to know that you have just blown your only chance. And it makes you feel even worse when you know that the ultimate faults all lies with you and that no amount of excuse however real and true can make the guilt go away. Seems like the only two words you can muster is a mere weak "i'm sorry". And it really feels so insignificant that you don't really want to say anything at all but you still said it because you are really really sorry and you really feel that you can only do this much to apologise. Sometimes people say that because they want to escape the consequence, others just really seek to be forgiven. I guess for now i'm both.

Cultural beauty

Its really really interesting to note that beauty is conceptual and that it is insituted by man (note the small m). When i looked at old chinese paintings and old turkish drawings and animations, i was reminded of the research i had choosen to do when i was in school (towards the end of poly year two i think) about aesthetics particularly in the area of culture and physical beauty. I figured that whichever the concept was, they are always exculsive to a certain group of people and thus not everyone could be beautiful. ("duh") Thus the message "everyone could beautiful" that beauty ads are selling are like the biggest lie to be seen in public. Not everyone could be beautiful, if everyone is beautiful there would be no ugliness to define the beautiful.

For example, people used to think that it was beautiful to look fat. Maybe the concept originated from the culture that speaks of being fat symbolizes being wealthy. Wouldn't it be nice to eat all you want because you aim to be beautiful? Now think about those that are born with high metabolism at that era, imagine the pressure they felt to be beautiful because they are rich. Hmmm... whats the direct opposite of forced anorexia?

I figured that aesthetic values are very different from moral values. I think the case for aesthetic relativism is a lot stronger than the case of moral relativism. Its important to note that judgments about beauty and ugliness are notoriously culture-bound. As having no culture also indicates a culture of some kind, no one can really claim to be absolutely unbounded and uninfulanced by a certain culture. So the ultimate question here is how can/do we determine what is beautiful and what is ulgy? (not what is good and what is bad.) So since different cultures pronounces different judgements on this subject i figured that all the questions and thought processes funnels down to one simple question : which culture do you belong to? Like sin, life and death or even being a christian, theres no in-between.

People have been saying that the essence of beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, but when thought deeper, i figured that all still really depend on how infulanced by whichever culture the "beholder" belongs to. I really like this statment but forgot who issit from or where i got it - "Beauty provides the refuge from futility where we contemplate the meaning of it all."

Much have been said about the topic of aesthetics but i figured that the following point is the most important. That we should all really focus on the beauty of God as the scripture says Himself to be. If we are called to be His people, we should chase after Him for it is only when we are conformed to the culture that He insituted, then we can truely know what is beautiful in His eyes. Everything that we do and all that we are, should be "for His eyes only". It is in Him that we find out what we are truely meant to be.

Prayer Realised

OH WOW this is what i have been praying for since the start of the year! There is power when people come together with one mind and one direction. Thats the power of worship in a fellowship of people who are determined to seek God! OH WOW, i guess thats the only two words that can come out of my mouth when i reflect upon the time at youth camp. What a good rap up for the worship year. Got back tired, sick and with a swollen elbow but with a very encouraged soul. Encouraged by the worshippers' worship, not the high itself but the sight of people desiring God.

I really treasure my DG group and the times we had together. I particularly loved their transparency with each other and with me. This caused our sharings to end like half an hour more then the time allocated. I'm so encouraged by hch and samuel by just the guesture that they want to worship and serve God with all they have got. Hearing samuel share with me his share of hurts and pains that he can't forgive himself of is like the one of the most honest sharing i ever heard for quite awhile. Seeing hch worship God is like the most valueable sight i could ever remember. Teaching this group really make me remember the reason as to why i treasure being a DGL at camps and retreats so much that i wouldn't trade it for anything else.

I went to the camp with two objectives, one is to really know and impact my DG group and the second is to really spend time with Joseph coz it was really very very long since we last caught up with one another. I really treasure the god-given times where i get to clean up the canteen with Joseph. I think what really bonds us is when we are serving together. Its these times that presence means alot more than thousands of words spoken (at least to me). Somehow when we are serving as a team we really get pleasure from doing the task to the best of our ability. I really treasure this unique relationship.

There was this time at the last night (i think its around 3plus in the morning) when i laid down on the concrete slope to watch the stars by myself. Oh wow what a beautiful sight it was! The dark and star lit sky really reminded me about how small i am and how big God is and that all we can do when we witness his work is just to stand in awe of his majesty. I think i laid there praising God (sliently of course) for about an hour or so then dosed off because it was so peaceful under the stars and awakened later by the cold wind to go back to the dorm.

What i really stressed to my DG in this camp is that worshiping God is a decision made because of how worthy he is, and not how comfortable we are. I figured that its really easy to serve, worship, leading and obey when all is well, but what happens when all is gone and serving, worship, leading and submission becomes a big huge sarcifice in the fullest sense of the word. I guess this is the period of time where God is teaching me what sacrifice really means as i realised that the older i am, the more things i accumulated, the more things i had to give up. And it hurts like mad because now I make choices with the full knowledge of their consequences. Theres are very heavy price to pay for serving God but there can be no worship without sacrifice and God made that very clear when he sent Jesus to the cross. It really hurts but now i rather live my life on the edge and in the center of God's will. It still really hurts thou. Sometimes i really wonder why did God bring me so far and lifted me so high just to take it away from me ... but then the same thing happened to Abraham and he didn't complain ... I really really pray that i will not fall for the things of the secular world no matter how attactive and tempting they are and that they will never hinder me from serving God with all that i have and all that i am.

Anyways, God answers the prayers of his people! From the start of the year we have been praying for a change in culture of the ministry. Now i can really see God realizing it! Wow how cool lah! I also recognize that the hand of God upon the ministry is essential to the granting of our request before the almighty God. And when the hand of God is upon the ministry, it’s a valuable experience. Let’s not take that for granted for it’s a privilege to serve God and be his people.

---

You are derserving, of all the praises Lord
My heart is yearning, to be in your presence once more
Deep inside my heart is yearning, i want to know you more
Coz you'r the only one that i adore

How great you are, How great you are
You are the mighty king, and you came to reign in me
How great you are, How great you are
I give you all the praises of my heart

Words and meanings

I realised that asking for the right things when praying is very important. Not so much for the choice of words but because intentions are usually articulated by words. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John1:1) When we institute trust, we are often told to be able to take another person’s word for the subject matter. So if we do not know how to ask the right things from God, we do not know what we actually want from God and so how are we able to present our request if we know not what we want?

Like for example, when we subsituted the meaning for "like" for the meaning of "love", the world will be confused and empty, forever looking but never finding. This demostrates is the power of the media doesn't it? Are we also slowly becoming desensitised from all these things? Are we beginning to be like Lot living in Sodom flirting with Sin? Its also interesting to note that how people devalue the meaning of love while some people overate it and worship it as a god.

Love cannot be engineered but can be cultured. Theres alot of things that we call as love are not really love at all. True Love is unconditional and needs no "because". If we are loving people based on the reason that Christ first loved us, we have not loved at all. This is the precise reason why non believers call us hypocrites.

What does passion really mean, what does love really mean? When we change the meaning of a word we change the meaning of the world.

The Monday Sabbath

Gosh what a terrible tiring week! I seem to be getting more and more tired each and every Monday but surprisingly the more tired i am, the more excited i am on Sunday noons for my little day of self declared freedom. Thus, the more tired i am the more excited i am !!! And the excitement really keeps me from sleeping and feeling tired. Monday is the day where i keep my phone (in silent mode) far away from me. That is the day when i make it a point to keep myself away from the concept of time, away from work, closer to God and closer to keeping my sanity.

As much as grass is always greener on ther other side, the absence of freedom to sleep all i want, to do what i really want, to spend the all the time in the world to know the God that i really desire, really makes my heart grow fonder for that day. Thank God for Mondays!!! The element of freedom associated with it really makes me mighty excited!

Deadline = Deadmeat

December is my busiest month of the year. I wanna do so much but have so little time... and i spent the last five days feeling so lousy because i cannot come up with anything great. Now that deadline line is here i'm really scared-stressed-sick again. Its like i'm forced to squeeze water out of a super dry stone time and time again. I'm deadmeat this time.

Sometimes i really think that as a designer, my happiness is most of the time tied up with my work, so if i'm not doing great work, I'm not going to be happy.

:(

Our false sense of entitlement

When will i know that i'm not entitled to my friends. When will i understand that i'm not entitled to comfort of any form. When will i grasp the fact that i'm here now and earning money not because i'm entitled to my talents and thus my profession. If i claim that i understood all those then why am i still complaining when every breath and every new day is a privilege to experience God's grace and mercy. No wonder God is so dissed with the Israelites... and i guess the same applies to me if he is immutable. Thank God for his grace and mercy which are new every morning! The greater is thy faithfulness, the more none should take it for granted for this is what no one is entitled to.

I figured that since He called himself to be the great "I AM", He must be so much more then just the God who brought us out of our misery or suffering. We can only know Him through what we choose to go through with him. Its a pity that the Israelites of the old testament, being the chosen nation to experience his great deliverance power, only their knew him only to such a extent.

Isn't this what faith ultimately is about? That it can only grow out of a relationship and not by empirical knowledge alone. Have i been so desensitised by the world that i have lost sight of the intensity of his awesomeness? Have i then lost my sense of wonder and gratefulness that is rightfully entitled to Him?

Exodus 20:2 - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery." I have always wondered why did God referred this of Himself (as this is what he was known to the Israelites) before He commanded that "You shall have no other Gods before me." Only until recently did i realised the profound truth hidden inside. That no one can worship what they do not know. The same implication goes for the depth of our worship. We cannot give gratitude or worship the dimension of God that we do not know. Like for example, how can we know that God is our provider when we are blind to his provision. How can we then give gratitude to what we choose not to exprienced of God? This shows our spiritual maturity as it is repeated so many times in the scriptures that the righteous will live by faith.

How grand it is just to have the opportunity to know God... and to think that i'm so shallow for not recognizing that every single moment.

---

How dread are Thine eternal years,
O everlasting Lord!
By prostrate spirits day and night
Incessantly adored!

How beautiful, how beautiful
The sight of Thee must be,
Thine endless wisdom, boundless power,
And awful purity!

Oh how I fear Thee, living God!
With deepest, tenderest fears,
And worship Thee with trembling hope,
And penitential tears.

- Frederick W. Faber

upwardbound

If you are using msn you might have noticed that a fairly odd revolution going on. People are changing their display pics to this! Yes say hello to the logo of r-age youth camp 2005. If you are part of the ministry please do put this as your display pic in msn to remind yourselves to cover it with prayer. This might create an opportunity for you to invite your friends or better still, share your blessed hope.

busy being tabooed

The best gift and offering that one can give to God or anyone isn't money, its time. Money does make itself look dirt cheap when compared to time. As i reflect about my life based on collected unconscious feedbacks, i realised that serving God or doing favours for people are not considered time well spent as they adds to the business. What everyone is looking for is quailty time.

It will be good when i'm stripped of everything that i can do or what people percieve that i can do. A part of me is so looking forward to that day. But when that happen will i still be able to give and recieve love? I guess not. But hey, business also comes at the expense of intimacy. I do feel distant from everyone and somehow no matter how hard i try, i still find that the distance and coverup still exsists. I figured that the gap must be bridged from both ends.

I'm always busy, when will i ever be free? I do make a big effort to set aside time, to be free for people i treasure, but when the time comes when i can, its always too late and it will always be too late. Is my effort not good enough? I really feel that i'm missing out alot and i understand that everyone is expostulating (some castigate) me because of it. Its not even safe in the safest place.

"Busy Matthew" - i want it to be my last name no more. I'm so very tired of being busy and trying so hard not to be too busy for everyone. Its not easy being busy and the same applies for being too free. And guess what! Its also so hard to be in the middle of both.

"In everything there must be balance" - rubbish! Where in the balance could i be where at every point i should be it rejecting it like plague. Ok i find this to be a negative spiral, shall stop here.

Absolute logic

The earliest example shows that Adam and Eve ate the fruit before they were allowed to and therefore suffered. Intellect kills when you are not ready for it. Is that why there is so many athestist who claim to be intellectuals because they claim that they think. (I think therefore I am?)

We know that it isn't true of their claim that theist don't think. The funny thing is that when athestist (not a absolute term) pitch those accusations, they have in fact just proven that they don't think as well. So once again the field is leveled, we are the same, just on different sides. Just like Man U fans versus Liverpool fans.

Talking about sides, I shall now take the chance to address the sceptics.

Theres always two sides to a coin, like in order for love to exsist, pain must also exists to define love. Same with good and evil like what Paul said in Romans chapter7:7-12. We cannot say that because pain and suffering (therefore evil) exists, therefore God doesn't exists. Thats a logic flaw by itself.

The existance of God cannot be disproved by introducing the reality of wickedness and suffering. Anyways there can only be two sides when a coin exsist (sorry for the pun). In order for good AND evil to exsist there must be an absolute moral law to define them. And an absolute moral law can only exsist if God exsist.

Because of our finite character, Man cannot be the measure of all things or we will be forced to ask which man is the source of measure. Because of our finitude we cannot assume that we have the capacity to decide whether the moral law exists. Truth is , like how Ravi Zacharias puts it, "No matter how hard we try, we cannot deny a moral frame of reference without invoking a moral absolute."

---

After all the bombardment of truth or perceived truth, one still must make the decision, yes or no. That is when you are stripped of all your armor and forced to confront the decision in its purest sense. No matter how convincing either side is, at the point of decision making you can bring along nothing. This is what i call "beyond proof". I came to realise that the key factor is just to believe, nothing more.

I know, this doesn't make logical sense... but think about it, logic is only what we understood (or think we understand) and logic itself is not infallible. Inspiration cannot be defined by logic, neither could love. Lets look at it this way, centuries ago, people thought that it is illogical to think that the world is round or humans could fly.

The bottomline is this "Logic doesn't save, Christ does."

Buried treasure

My neighbour recently told me that he wanted to live my life, saying that it seems alot more interesting reason being that he finds his life is boring not because of the lack of challange but he pointed out that its because he's not learning anything. I thought that he brought up a very interesting point. Very timely message too.

We grow the most when they are going through difficulties and what we percieve as hardships. The strongest people (mentally) are the ones who are always always challenging themselves or being challanged by their environment against their will.

Like when there is a lack of gravity we wouldn't be as strong physically as we are now. I figured that the same rule applies to the mental and spiritual. That when theres a lack of external stress it brings no aim to live.

If you are not stuggling, you are not learning and if you are not struggling, you are wasting time. The whole point is not to pass or flare at anything, but to learn something out of it. If you learn alot but fail, its still worth it. You get out of a situation victorious when you have learnt something out if it.

I figured that i too am becoming stangant and lukewarm. This is must be the result of resting too much and for too long doing nothing seemingly constructive. I strongly believe that the physical affects the spirtual. Like when how you decide to slack off to rest physically and when the rest becomes prolonged, you stop praying like you used to because you stopped seeing the need for it. If you are not stuggling you are not growing.

Now i really crave for my previous clients to contact me and get me to meeting their deadlines again. I guess the popular ideal isn't that ideal afterall. Lukewarmness stinks and stings. I fight to live. I guess the fight makes life more interesting. Its tough yes, but without it i rather not live at all.

When we keep coming to a renewed knowledge of how weak we actually are then we can see better how omnipotent is the God we worship. His strength is most amplified in our weakness.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make, and i'm taking back what belongs to me." - The Ataris

---

This post is strongly inspired by Moon. Thanks and Happy Birthday. Your situation put me on my toes too. I thank God that you are still alive.

My bag of cheap tricks

New shirt - view bigger size here.

Alot of people have been asking me to teach them to be better at photoshop and because of this I'm so excited on the idea of doing a photoshop intermediate class for R-AGE and the open public this coming holiday like november. Training is the main aim, and of course there are sub objectives like evanglism and gathering people who are interested to serve in the design side of the ministry.

Lets hope the leadership approves.

we big babies

I just finished the logos of the five pillars of GraceAOG. They are so difficult to do because they are qualitative not a quantitative. How i wished they were quantitative, at least i need not think, just do and do and do. But i guess i live for qualitative projects, at least they are not mundane. If this is approved i'll be celebrating big time man. I'm always on a gamble if i want to change the art direction for the better of something.

I've just finished watching "The Pianist". Its painful to watch. Up till now i haven't really understood what is pain and what is suffering and how does it feels like to loose all hope. I figured that its perfectly reasonable for people in those times to stop believing in God. I figured that its only when we understood what is pain and what is suffering then we would really understand the character of God.

"You are an artist, you keep peoples spirits up." - The Pianist

Self Identity

The tough month was over. Gosh! It was really tough. The tough part was not the project but it was the projects!(note the "s"). August had been the most productive month for me. Through it, I finished a "design acadamic paper", "a showcase website", "a drama for Arts Appreciation class", and "designed and produced a chair model". If I would to pass my major (chair), I'm going to so get into the director's list again I think... because I thought that I did well for all my modules.

Also besides this all the busyness within the month, I also managed to squeeze in time to think and do a cover for the September bulletin which I think was the best done so far. Don't bug me about the sky already, I know I used that type of sky for June and July and yes, it irks me to know that I actually used it "yet again". So sorry to everyone who is sick and tired of seeing the same sky. I'm sick of it myself, I promise I'll do a better job at art directing it from now on since I'm alot less busy now. I think you guys deserve better.

AND THIS POST DOESN"T STOP HERE!!! PLEASE READ ON.

Well, for those who are praying for me, just to update you guys. My critic/presention did not go well. In fact, it was bad, very bad. They really thought that I copied and did little job in redesigning the chair. After giving some thoughts about they harsh comments, I figured that their thoughts and critic were very vaild indeed. So in this harsh light, I think there's a very high chance that they would fail me and that I'll not get my diploma after all. I figured that it would be fair for them to fail me and if I were to pass, it would be grace from them.

I actually felt like a loser for a day. Went home and slept hungry as I didn't felt like eating. Instead of feeling happy (which I should be since everything is over and that I'm free finally) I was in fact, very sad. I just wanted to hide from everybody. I was tired too. So its a very good timing. I slept for 25hrs.

The next day (or whichever day it is), after I woke up, ate, check my mails, I felt tired again. So I went back to bed I figured that I did not want to slp as didn't fell asleep in 1hr. Then I realised that what I wanted was not to slp but to cry (ok, its not very easy to type this). So in my brokeness I realised that even in the month when I'm praying for God to help me, I realised that I still am feeling very much self sufficient because I really thought that I was "Matthew" since everyone know me as the guy who could get out of situations and that everything will turn out fine in the end. And it is in this end, I realised that didn't really credit God. I know I did say it and stuff, but I did it for the sake of showing God that I did it. It was of very surface value. The fact was that I still wanted credit and acknowledgements for my hard work(s).

But the surprising thing is that dispite all these, God still did help me get through this month. Except that in this last end there is a big twist. There's a bad ending. God made me end up in a situation that erases everything I thought as good that I have done before. It is in that "maybe I'll pass or maybe I'll not" kinda thing, that God made me realised my attitude. After he helped me.

So then I realised, "so what if I would to fail"? I guess this would really unmask everyone whom I though are my friends in and outside school and stuff. I realised the meaning of "self identity". That it is "most of the time" coloured by what you do and what you are good at. And people know you as this. And that the more people know you as what you are good at, the more you want to show them only the good side because you want attention and you want to keep it on you.

So what happens when that very thing is taken away from you? Who would love you now? Thats the question that I think I would be discovering very soon enough. Its abit hard to appear in front of people "naked". Paper-less/ Diploma-less / Degree-less or just plain seemingly talent-less for my case.

I figured that its God's will for me to learn and share this with you guys what I learnt in my 3.5years first hand. Since we always heard this type of "stories" through second or third hands. May you (the reader) be blessed and be encouraged from what I went through. I am in fact very real and very normal.

ps: I also figured that if i were to fail, I still could do graphic design since I'm blessed with that gift or rather, the eye to create aesthetics. With this, I really thank God. Not for blessing me, but in making me who I am. Special, unique and specifically for his niche purpose set out for me to fullfill. Heck, this alone is already a gigantic blessing for the owner who sees it.

End

The end is just a close three more days and I'm so crap scared that the ending will be far from ideal as i'm still so far from being prepared and done. But then so what if its not ideal? I still carry on being the same person as i was. Nothing will be wasted as i did gained alot of things that money cannot buy.

I have alot of testimonies, God has been with me and i can even withness him being with me. Why can't I have enough faith to believe that He will bring me through? Why am i like the illustration of the Israelites. Lord why do you still choose to be so real to me when you know that I'll still doubt?

I really appreciate the people who really took time to ask how am i doing and stuff. Well, at least I know that there are some people who really do care. I'm really almost dead but I see the end now. Crap, I'm missing alot of people now.

3rd week of August

Check them out man!!! These were designed (by me) for my school ccn day when a couple of visual communications students had a stall and they were selling 1inch buttons. I heard that they were SOLD OUT *phew hot stuff*. How encouraging. Those that you see in the pictures are those reserved for me. After those are gone, they are out of print. They are the Very Limited Editions.
---
I just finished and handed up my thesis. Two projects down, two more to go. How cool is that, I can finally see the light. For those who wanna read, its 2500words on "A study on Identity". You can get it here. There is two parts to the word “change”, the first part is to identify the need and the other part is to fulfill the need. The combination of those two will trigger "change". Critical theory, to me is a lot more then just formal writing. It helps me in as an instrument to better identify and communicate the need for change.
---
Actually I'm already very tired. Two more weeks till my two other project's deadlines. One of them is my major project. Failing which, I'll be kicked out of school. How nice is the sound of that.
---
The cover art for September's bulletin needs to be out by next Sunday and I'm so busy and so tired. How now brown cow? How now?

Loving one another

Mahatma Gandhi said "I like their Christ, I don't like their Christians."
Friedrich Nietzhe said "I'll believe in the redeemer when the Christians look a little more redeemed."

Criticisms of Christians are often true. If truth is not undergired by love, it makes the possessor of that truth obnoxious and truth repulsive. Jesus said to "Love one another as ourselves". I figured that there is two sides to this. Its one thing to love another person but its another thing for the other person to feel loved. What people usually percieve as fulfilment of the commandment is that when the two sides harmonise. So what happenes if its being achieved partially? An omission of either side of the coin is highly possible. 1- If you love the another person but the other person doesn't feel loved, you are not being sensitive enough. 2- If you feel loved by the other party but he or she did nothing to make you feel loved, you being over sensitive. In other words you are dreaming.

So what if its being achieved partially? Issit still being considered as "loving one another" then? If things were measured by intention then I say it is still considered as "loving one another" for number 1 but not for number 2. BUT it is important to note that excluding either side doesn't gives one the excuse for staying that way for the commandment of loving one another is still best fulfilled when the two sides harmonise.

Its important to note that the "telling truth with love' thing does not only apply to Christians or Christianity but it applys across the board when anyone makes a truth claim. I used to wonder if it is correct to "sell" Christianity as life transforming since religion in general are all selling moral standards and that moral standard transforms people too. I later figured that moral standards transforms people outside-in and is habitual while the Holy Spirit transforms people inside-out thus rendering the transformation more effective and more evident. Probly this is the big difference.

I have no doubt that there is so much more to this world that the physical eye can see. And I even took the extra caution when approaching the "spiritual" because I want to make sure that a higher entity does exists and that its not just some man-made emotional atmosphere. So much for creating a conducive environment for services. I believe that we can still encounter God if the place is not conducive. It is not about God meeting us but rather about us meeting God. We are the ones that need to change and prepare ourselves to meet "the one who is always there". Hence, there's no such thing as comfortable worship. Ok I'm starting to write out of point, shall stop here.

Theatrical Expressions

These are six pictures from Cebu. They really reminded me how much I love photography and of course, they also reminded me of my lazyness. "No time" and "No money" are my over-used excuses. Hahs.

I figured that there are two kinds of photographers. One is graphic inspired, the other is emotion inspired. The graphic one's paradigm is that the composition is paramount while for the emotion photographer, capturing emotion is paramount.

A good photographer needs to be fluent in both languages. Both elements contributes to the time a person's eye will spend a photo. A cripple in either side does not deserve to call themselves a photographer. Oh yes photography is fun, everybody can do photography but not everyone can be photographers. If anyone who thinks that they are just because they have a camera and a copy of photoshop, then they are grossly wrong. They are the ones that pulls down the stardard. The same thing for design. I really hate people who calls themselves graphic designers just because they know photoshop and can manipulate stuff. They are the ones that pulls down the stardard. Thats why designers and photographers work their ass off for some bread and butter.

I am the graphic one. Although I really love photography (as in how moments are freezed to be remembered), I don't aspire to be a photographer because I find that my pictures somehow lack the emotional standard. I find it easy to composite elements for a good photograph but somehow I find it difficult to capture emotion in my compositions.

I don't consider myself to be a photographer. I'm a graphic designer.

Top and Bottom

It has been a hard two weeks for me ever since my last entry, as hard as it seems for me, God helped me realised quite a number of things. (call them revelation or whatever for all I care.)

In the past few years, I have been through alot. I have experienced what issit like to feel God's blessing and what issit like to be in perpetual dryness of inspiration. I have known what issit like to be feeling good and what issit like to be suicidal. I have understood the meaning of being forgiven and the pleasure of communion. I have tasted what it feels like to be at the top and I have also experienced what it is like to be a nobody and being pushed around by everybody.

Someone need to tell everyone that there is nothing at the top. Really. We try so hard to get what we thought was everything but when we got there we still find the same emptiness. It is at that point of meaninglessness that we are forced to acknowledge (or even assume the concept of) a God. For without the acknowledgement (or assumption) of the infinite, its impossible for Man to have an infinite purpose thus worthy and fulfilling.

Someone need to tell everyone that there is nothing unfair and wrong for being at the bottom. Being at the bottom is not the end. It is when we are in a pit hole where there seem to be no way out of, that we will be forced also to acknowledge (or even assume the concept of) a God. I wonder why we always try so hard to stay on top and shun the bottom and we blame ourselves if we fail to stay on top. We forget that it is only natural and that it is the will of God.

And now I tell you this that there is nothing special in either of them. In fact, I feel that its better to be at the bottom most of the time. It is when I'm cornered in a situation that I grow the most. It is at the bottom that my knowledge of God is being perpetually challenged. The only special experience that one can get from being at at either point is the opportunity to acknowledge (or even assume the concept of) a God. That no matter where or who you are born to and what situation anybody is in, we are all given the same opportunity to acknowledge God. So the question that everybody should is asking should not be "God, where are you?" but rather "God, who are You?".

It is when we ask the right questions that we realize that the answers has all along been staring at us in the face. It is when we ask the correct questions that our blindfolds are removed and that we will begin to discover the bigger picture and gain wisdom. That God is indeed the faithful one and that He is faithful because He loves. That He is indeed what He said Himself to be and worshiping Him would be the pleasure that surpasses all emotion.

August faith

August will be a hard month for me. Deadlines are drawing near. I starting to think there is a reason why deadlines are called deadlines. I hope I won't be dead before reaching that line. Everything is funneling down and the stress is getting more compressed/intense in the process. I realised that stress is more powerful when they are united/compressed. They are more focused and thus have greatly increased ability to destroy its host - the human. My observation of me and my situation tells me that I'm a still a phlegmatic. When stress comes in and instead of meeting it head on I'll choose to hide. From my exprience thus far, I conculded that thinking about stress is more stressful then stress itself.

If you read this please pray for me. I am precieved to be super free on the outside because I want to escape the dying me on the inside. My faith guage is running out. Apologetics and reading the faith expriences of people don't feed me anymore. I'm relying heavyily on my past exprience with the almighty. All hopes now are pinned on what I went through with God in my past 3years. Its THAT hope which I'm holding on tightly now that still keeps me alive admist of my chaos environment that keeps begging for my attention and congesting me with the knowledge of their consequences.

I want out.

Praying

"What we think we need may not be our direct needs" - I know that God will meet my needs and the needs of the people if he sees that its a real need of ours and that his will can never be twarthed or flawed. That means God will never let evil get its way in the end.

Its so sad that people now sees prayer as mainly a "seeking help from God" thing. If I were to take the concept of prayer that everyone is proposing and apply it into my life then I really question the need for praying then. Yeah seriously I sometimes do. Like when i'm praying for people's safety and needs, etc. I keep thinking that since everything will ultimatly flow in line with the will of God and that since we knows our every thoughts, then why pray when God, in his timing will give when He sees that its our needs, even if we don't ask for it. Sometimes I really hate it when I'm asked to lead prayer groups when I myself sees no point in praying.

But I also figured that its only human to cry out (lament) to God. Like how little babies cry out to their parents. I know that prayer means more then a seeking help thing. Prayer at its core, means communication. And communication inculdes lamentations and crying out too.

When I was thinking deep about prayer I realised that there is actually no such thing as prayer. If you haven't realised, worship at its core means communication too. Worship envelops prayer. So then why do people still think that prayer and worship are two seperate things? To frame the question more accurately - why do prayer exist then?!

We see that Jesus himself is a example of what prayer is. Whenever he prayed he submitted himself to his father's will. He also asked knowingly that he will not get. "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Thus in doing this he also showed that he is also human. He lamented.

So then I concluded that prayer is a term for a prelude to worship. When praying, we will come to a realisation that we can actually do nothing to change anything. Prayer helps us to detrone ourselves and it is only when we are detroned from our own throne then worship can begin. That meaning, if you are still the king of your own world after praying, you haven't prayed. Thus you are not ready and cannot enter into the worship dimension.

So actually now I see no point in praying for anything. But I want to be proven wrong. I don't wanna lead another prayer team because I'm told to lead them in praying for something. Oh someone please correct me. BUT, if I'm not wrong that means the people haven't learnt what is real prayer and true worship. We will then seriously need to educate the church if any of us wants to see revival coming in.

Religion for the christians

(Warning: this post is going to be a long one)

I just read the Straits Times Saturday (July 16) 6 page article on "God and Us". If you haven't read it, please go and dig up those pages and read it! It is the results of a survey done on the religions and their infulance on Singaporeans. Its good not because that is written with a christian bias (it isn't, they can't anyway) but rather it makes us question why we believe in what we believe.

Every "church" of every religion is trying to keep and attract their youth and other youths. All deploy different strategies and use different baits to attract their target audience. All too serve the public. Some even show love better then christians. All love to fellowship with their fellow believers and not want to inter marry with another of the opposing religions. Everyone's display worship to their God fervently and some even far more better then that of the christians to their God. So when our evangelism, service, fellowship, worship and discipling tactics (i'm not talking about Christianity only mind you) are of same fervency. So then whats the big deal about the different religions?

I read and realised that those strong in their faith (like some of us christians) are strong because they had their own spiritual expriences. We need to know that feelings are real and therefore we cannot be too biased as to just sweep away another religion's spiritual exprience as false. They are neither false nor invaild. Feelings are real. Now since a big majority of the population believe in a God or Gods then the question brings itself to the surface and stares at us right in the face. Why Jesus? Why do I believe in my God.

We cannot sweep away the question by saying that "what makes us different is that our logic can be proven". By saying this we are not being fair because they too can use their logic to prove to you what they want to prove. Logic is a tool not the solution. Logic can be used by anyone to prove their point provided if the user is as good as the logic deployed. But then there are limits to logic. Logic cannot guarantee wisdom. It cannot prove or disprove inspiration or love. It cannot replace the intuition gained through experience, the prompting of the Holy Spirit, nor the clear truth of God's word. Above all, logic doesn't save the soul. BUT thats all besides the point. Ok sorry for the long sidetrack.

---
Why I believe in Jesus

I will be citing alot of evidence and facts since truth is buried in evidence and facts. I shall let them become logic themselves.

The Bible is written by eyewitnesses of Jesus life. It is reliable, Being 99.5% textually pure in the New Testament, meaning that it is copied with great accuracy dispite its many copies and is accurate enough to be certified as a history book. They are written accounts, of Jesus' life, deeds and his power over death. And if those were not enough there are also non biblical accounts that says of Jesus as a wise man, lawful, doer of wonderful works and proof of his cruification and much more all recorded in history (not the bible).

Sometimes I really wonder, based on accuracy of scripture alone, why do people still choose not to believe the eyewitnesses? Ok maybe those are still not enough.

There are many religious books in the world that have many good things to say but only the Bible has fulfilled prophecies from the recorded past aka the old testatment scriptures. The Bible has never been wrong in the past. Fulfilled prophecy is strong evidence because when you look at the mathematical odds of prophecy being fulfilled (in this case, its alot of prophecy being fulfilled!) , you quickly see a design, a purpose, and a guiding hand behind the Bible. If just one prophecy failed, the deity of Jesus Christ would become questionable because Jesus cliamed to be the son of God and God being the creator of all things, which includes time, would not be wrong about predicting the future.

Hey, I'm not don't yet! Please read Psalm 22:12-18. This is a detailed description of the crucifixion... and it was written 1000years before Jesus was born. (I guess the concept of crucifixion hadn't even been invented yet.) On top of this there are also alot more other prophecies like his birthplace, His side pierced when still on the cross and that we is to be born of a virgin (just to cite a few). All the prophecies are from way before his time and Jesus became like what was prophesied.

It is Jesus who I look to for the validity of Christianity. If Jesus is false, then Christianity is false. If Jesus is who He claimed to be (son of God), then Christianity is the only correct religion and Jesus, the only way to reach God.

---

The subject of study for the christian should be the proper study of the God head. Its only through knowing the character of God then one can fully understand the purpose of Jesus Christ. If we do it in the reversed manner we will find our faith weak and shallow based.

Frankly speaking, although a christian I never believed in religion. Religion is based on bind following of tradition and is dead. I never believe in blind following and "empty" actions. I never endosed the mindset of doing worship. Its not in my theology that worship is in the form of any action, be it raising of hands, jumping or even singing. Nothing is worship until we understood what we are doing. My God looks at the heart, how about yours? In line with my theology stated pior, I can savely say that any action if done with reverance and tinged with awe is acceptable worship before God.

When Apostle Paul started the church he didn't meant it to be a blind following of religion but rather he meant it as a fellowship of believers. Christianity is named Christianity because the we are supposed to be a fellowship of people believing that Jesus Christ is the saviour of the world, sent by God in his display of love and grace towards our damned world.

In short, religion doesn't save you, only Jesus saves.

Working space

Ok so you see it now, the above is my working area. My 17inch LCD monitor, keyboard, mouse, speakers, 6x8 Wacom Intuos3 tablet, 1GB ipod thumbdrive and my beefed up customed machine. Everything cost me around 3k. These are what I see everyday since 5 months ago. I still remember the times when I was working on my old computer with 256MB of RAM (just imagine doing graphics on a 256!) and struggling to produce work on time because the com kept hanging and shutting down by itself. Everybody I talked to asked me to just buy a new one and they made it sound as if it was so easy. I had not much money and savings then.

All these changed when for some reason I came in first for a certain competition. Although the money was relatively little but no one knew that to me it was like money floating down from heaven and whats best is that I did nothing extra to get them. I spent them all on these knowing that these are my direct needs. I remember asking God for a new machine back then. Now I can't imagine working without them. I thank God everyday for blessing me with such an arsenal. God does meet needs.

Now I'm eyeing this. I can imagine how fun doing digital art will be when working pen to screen! But yeah, this toy cost around 4k in Singapore, its expensive beyond reach. But anyways I'm more then contented with what God had already blessed me with.

Colourful God

Friday's sunset sky was hot pink, pastel blue and pastel yellow. How nice. Nature has the best colour combination. We can only imitate them, no one can claim his or her colour combination is orginal. How we defined colour is through nature. Even if nobody went around defining what the word "yellow" "green" or "blue" represents, the colour wheel would still be invented the same. So beautiful is the science of colours. I really thank God that I'm not colour blind, because if I were, I would be missing out on alot of things beautiful and my understanding of the creator would be greatly dimmed.

Redemptive suffering

There's something very touching about able bodied young men asking for the prayer and blessing of some elder who is old and frail. And best still that elder may not even speak well. Ever wondered why is this so prevailing in so many different cultures and you see it happening too in the old testament times?

There is value in suffering, there is value in going through the things that you are going through. Some biblical examples shows Joseph's brothers asked him to forgive them and through him asked for God's favour (Gen 47:25). "For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably." Jacob said this to Esau when he met him again and asked for his forgiveness (Gen 33). Job's three friends after being found guilty for wronging him also asked him to interceed in behalf of them for God's mercy to be shown onto them. Jesus who walks the path of the cross and after bearing the weight of the world, now sits at the righthand of God interceeding for us.

So thats why James 5:16 says that "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective". Note this, righteousness doesn't come overnight. The righteous ones would have gone through the path of struggling to be righteous and therefore know the struggle of those striving to be righteous. Hence, he can pray a more honest thus powerful and effective prayer. Thats the meaning of that verse in its context. Anyways not just prayer, christian ministry is all about honesty. How can anyone pray a honest prayer if we haven't went through the situation, how could we even be constructive in our help? Even if we think that we can, we will be exposed by the weight of our words.

Therefore praying is not about the eloquence of speech but rather the honesty of the words you speak. A simple "Have faith" two words can weight so differently when different people says it the same way. God looks at the heart.

So if you think you are suffering and thought that theres only "bad" in it, think again. There is value in every experience. God turns the works of satan around for the good of those who believe.

Judge not or Discern not ?

I believe judging is often necessary, only if it is based on the Word of God. Usually when people judge, they based it on some standard, such as a morally good and wrong sense of standard, where they themselves fail to comply sometimes. However, judging shd be based on the Word of God, the Word of God provides the standard of which it is an Absolute Truth and Moral, you and I are not an exception to being weighed by it.

As in Corinthians, Apostle Paul judged and urged the church to ex-communicate the christian who sleeps with his father's wife! But there is always an element lacking in all our attempts to judge others, that's love. Rebuke in love, when judging, always remember, do it with Love, for if we have all gifts of prophecy, tongues, words of knowledge, wisdom but no love, we are nothing.

---
The above is taken from Daniel's blog. Thought that this is what we all needed to hear. We mixed up discernment for judging and judging for discernment. Either ways I thought he was sharp on when he wrote this. He revealed the fine line.

Submission equates to purpose fullfillment

Actually the reason why rules are set are because we are of some value to the rule setter. We are created in the image of God. So we are of value to God when created. The moral law (rules) helps us to behave the way we are valued and hence when we behave like we are valued then we are fullfilling our purpose in life.

---
Hahs short and sweet. This is my understanding of my life purpose. Just this Thursday when I was told to do some "lifeskills" presentation. The topic is on "what matters". It talks about purpose and there are some general "canned" purpose for everyones' lives. As I prepared and presented I figured that the "answers" to life sounds very airy and holds little weight when we take God out of the picture.

Believe me when I say I almost preached and started a debate on the exsistance of God. But I realised that I should stick to the lesson plan or risk getting arrested or kicked out of class for disrupting the lesson. Anyways, its not at all surprising that I find people bored in class.

---
This is to argue for the exsistance of God. I shall post this here for the benifit of those who haven't read this before. Wrote this as a comment on Samantha's blog before.

- On Absolute Truth

The question of "absolutes" is the same as believing in God. The question of absolutes is based heavily on the point of reference. The subject of reference MUST be all sovereign, all knowing, holy and immutable (Which the character of God). Therefore we cannot place the point of reference on any man or thing or else we will be forced to ask who/what then is point of measure.

- On Relative Truth

Anyways "relative truth" is just one of the many ways man/satan created to wipe out their guilt of sin.

"relative truth" is the attempt to slience God by making truth irrelevant. That is why the profane celebrate the fall of a professed moralist; because it levels the playing field and stabs the heart of morality rendering in their eyes all moral talk as hypocritical.

Yes, there is no such thing as "relative truth" because even the irreverent find it impossible to live without denunciation. And all denunciation implies a moral framework of some kind.

They speak in anger against those who call for moral reasoning but they are even angrier when they are on the wrong and recieving end of someone's immorality or injustice.

So to sum it up, the shiok-ness of no law/no rules is momentary and short lived. Therefore there is a need for a moral law (and therefore a moral law giver aka God) or else the fact of its absence makes life unlivable.

Loving God

When I came to think about it, actually it doesn't bother me so much if i'm loved by you or not. I guess love is not about the getting but rather about the loving. Love is the only thing that defies reason. If there is any other reason other then love itself it wouldn't be love.

I'm enticed by your beauty. How you painted the skies; How the ocean looks. I've seen so many of them and yet I know that all those that I saw cannot compare to who you are. You are far more beautiful then all these. How can a creation be more beautiful then its creator. I'm very much contented just to sit around and marvel at your grace and holiness. Sitting around and marvel at how you promised me a "forever with you". When you say forever, can't you see you've already captured me.

I have grew to discover that all that I really need is you. Truly, all that I have is all that I badly wanted. All that I have is all I badly needed and all that I have is yours, all that I am is yours. When you give you really did gave in excess. I dare say that I am never in need.

When love is about the loving then being loved in return would be a bonus. In fact, love only makes sense when I love for loving sake. That very act of being loved in return is beyond what I wanted and that is what you have given me. I hold on to the promise that I'm so loved by you. I guess this is what people call faith.

When the patriarchs of the old testament obeyed and followed God, note that no promise of love was given to them. No Jesus to die on the cross and proclaim that love. And yet they understood God's love. Why then is that so. Is there something that we are missing out?

---
I guess this is a answer from me to my previous post. This is from what I understood about love. I understand no more than this. This may seem like I'm skirting the topic but if this is true then I forsee this big chasm of thought that I can't cross. I guess sometimes its just better not to think. Ok I'm crawling back to my shell again.

love of God

What is so special about this love that we have always "blindly" wanted.

Please comment so that I can "hear" your views.
And oh, Samantha is asking the same question too.

Action Faith

I chanced upon the topic of faith when talking to Rachael Lim today in service. It suddenly occurred to me how people used "by faith" as the answer to end a topic. Like for example;

a says - So what are you going to do about your problem?
b says - by faith lor.

I figured that this theology thou correct, is incomplete. Here is the problem; why say "by faith" when you have no intention of doing anything to solve your problem?

Well, I guess you guys heard of the saying of which goes, "God wouldn't help those who don't help themselves." Yes its true, God uses circumstances and situation to test, mould and help us. Yes I also know that one might move on to say that we shouldn't mirco-view God. Yes we shouldn't, but i wasn't implying that. Think about it this way; isn't it laziness too if we just sit back and throw everything to God and expect him to do everything?

Faith is a belief based action word. The action is caused by the belief in something and is also the demonstration of one's belief. Note this, there is two parts to faith; the belief and the action. If one removes the action part of faith, then faith wouldn't make much sense. So what if you believe that God can do all things? Without action it speaks nothing about your belief, in fact, without action, the word "Faith" is not even justified. Faith then becomes an excuse we deploy in the form of a spirtual jargon.

Believing is mental, Faith is actual. Faith is different from "believing". Faith is "believing" with legs on it. Therefore, action is the evidence of the presence of faith not the spoken word.

Note that this is not word play. I'm so very concerned because I noticed people using "by faith" as a excuse to skirt a topic. Hence, the word "Faith" should be used correctly and not be used as THE answer and end of a topic. Rather, it should be used as a start of the it. "For with God, all things are possible." "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." So do you see these phrases in a different light now?

To have faith, it takes much more then knowing the word of God. One must know the word of God AND also know the God of that word!

Fellowship

As I dwelled more into thinking about "canned" (see the last post) answers. God brought these to my mind.

I noticed quite a few (or many) intances when I asked my kids for thanksgiving they will normally say "I thank God because he is faithful". Yeah I mean that is correct and theologically sound but don't you think its still surface, head knowledge? I had enough of the standard questions and replies. I call that "canned". I don't understand why when asked a question they "repeat" to me the character of God (which they did a good job of learning) BUT when probed more into why they said what they said, they took so long to think. I mean shouldn't they have already thought about that before they answer?

Its like memorising memory verses for the sake of memorising. In doing so we forgot that the memorising will not change us unless we apply the truths we have memorised into our lives. The accumulation of knowledge will do you nothing unless you apply it. I guess from now on, I should encourage everyone I talk to, to share their applied knowledge. I guess that would it would make sharings more fruitful and honest.

I'm begining to feel sorry for my kids. I think they are always very stressed when I talk to them because they know that they cannot escape. Hahs sorry guys but I guess that SHOULD be the way. This is the essence of fellowship. Don't you know that even when two or three are gathered, it still wouldn't be called fellowship unless God is the midst of the exchange?

I also noticed another thing, like in church why do we ask "how are you?" when we don't expect a reply? See the irony? Well, this is only one of the many example of prescribed or "canned" questions we throw at people. We become so professional in doing so that the words had lost their meaning. I guess everybody is gulity of this, I even witnessed Pastor David Lim doing it to me. No one is free from it. And I tought that this is actually quite common. More often in fast paced circles. Everything is PR.

What Joseph said is correct, this is "just a perfunctory greeting." Or rather this have grown to be a perfunctory greeting. As I dived deeper into that thought, God got me to realise this; because it has became a culture for us to say that in our physical world, have we used the same perfunctory greeting towards God?

Suddenly this alarming question dawned on me. Where am I when God called me? Did I used too the "Hi, how are you" thing on God? Has the word "fellowship" lost its meaning for me too?

The more busy we are, the more "still" before God we must get. For it is in Him, He promised to give us rest. For it is in him, we learn what is the meaning of fellowship. Our attitude towards people is a display of our attitude towards God.