busy being tabooed

The best gift and offering that one can give to God or anyone isn't money, its time. Money does make itself look dirt cheap when compared to time. As i reflect about my life based on collected unconscious feedbacks, i realised that serving God or doing favours for people are not considered time well spent as they adds to the business. What everyone is looking for is quailty time.

It will be good when i'm stripped of everything that i can do or what people percieve that i can do. A part of me is so looking forward to that day. But when that happen will i still be able to give and recieve love? I guess not. But hey, business also comes at the expense of intimacy. I do feel distant from everyone and somehow no matter how hard i try, i still find that the distance and coverup still exsists. I figured that the gap must be bridged from both ends.

I'm always busy, when will i ever be free? I do make a big effort to set aside time, to be free for people i treasure, but when the time comes when i can, its always too late and it will always be too late. Is my effort not good enough? I really feel that i'm missing out alot and i understand that everyone is expostulating (some castigate) me because of it. Its not even safe in the safest place.

"Busy Matthew" - i want it to be my last name no more. I'm so very tired of being busy and trying so hard not to be too busy for everyone. Its not easy being busy and the same applies for being too free. And guess what! Its also so hard to be in the middle of both.

"In everything there must be balance" - rubbish! Where in the balance could i be where at every point i should be it rejecting it like plague. Ok i find this to be a negative spiral, shall stop here.