Unwilling

I've been waiting for one year and really want to go for EAsia trip but comfort tells me no. Honestly I don't really want to start praying for them not because I don't want per se but because I know that the burden is there and I don't want to stir it because I know what stirring it means. It means learning Chinese, attending Chinese services and my parents' Chinese cell groups and subjecting myself to so much discomfort and basically those are the things which I have been avoiding for a very long time. And I also know that a burden is something that you can't keep silent for too long. Let’s see when it will burst.

OH GOD! Die to myself? I have already died to my dreams and aspirations, what more do you want from me? How much more do you want me to give up? Must you drive me to absolute brokenness so that in all darkness you will shine brighter and that everyone might see you at the expense of me?

I seem to encounter so many crossroads recently. So many decisions to make that might change my life as it is. I'm so tired of them. So many things have been on my mind recently and now it’s in a mess (as usual).

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You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all