Does expectations really kill humility?

Last week was really horrible. I have been working overtime for the past five days and it really does stink to think that my bosses there are using us (NSF) for their promotions. And for that I have missed quite a number of important meetings. It’s like you worked so hard to go home at 5.30pm only to be told that it’s not enough and that you will need to work OT.

From this episode I believed that I have gained quite a number of things, the first was about expectations. I was taught not to get my hopes too high and not to expect too much. And I thought that they were very much right. Expectation does give one something to hope for and that hope will drive us through trying situations. However as much as hope is free I realized that we could just as easily be denied of the very thing we hoped for. Hope, when denied, pulls us pit down and makes us stay there. As such I figured that if we have no hope and no sense of personal rights, we might be happier people but albeit without motivation. Does expectations really kill humility? Anyhow it really does stink to be denied the things you thought you deserved.

The next thing I realized was how much I really missed God. For the past week my life is really dictated by my office. From morning till night I can be found busily working and only knocking off at around 10 plus 11pm, reaching home dead tired and waking up the next day at 6am for another day of busy work and OT. It’s been really tough on my devotional and prayer side. I guess it’s worse than BMT where at least there they let us off after 8pm (on most days) for us to do our own stuff.

On another note, I'm really glad that class has started and it is really a breather to be there. It really makes me remember how much I love theology. Now I’m dumped with so much reading to do before my next class. I think I’ll just read them when I’m doing guard duties. I guess those are the only valued times when I’m free to read. I really hope my boss will let me off to attend my next class and not do OT that night.

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Sunrise to sunset
I will seek your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace

My heart has found in You
The hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love you more and more
How I longed to be
Deeper in love

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I was doing duty on Friday night and for some reason, was left alone in my sentry post when a song played on the radio that made me remember the song above. Upon hearing that I turned off the radio to pray and worship. I'm glad that God met me there. I'm also glad that I was alone. Even though its only for a short while, I have reason to think that it was all planned.

I really thank God that in my busyness He hasn't forgotten me and so desires to win me back to himself.

Wisdom of the old granny

Just now, my parents were talking to this old lady whom I think is from their cell or something along that line. I was happily playing my game (erm, refer to previous post) when I overheard some of the stuff which they talked about which stuck on me for quite abit. They are not new but I guess it’s just how some statements are more effective when said in mandarin.

On future and God: “You will only be willing to sacrifice yourself for Christ when He has shown himself real to you. It is the same for any noble endeavor; which is why people bound in passion of any kind can be so blind to everyone but not themselves.”

On praying prophetic prayers and claiming the promises of God: “You will dare to pray these types of prayers because God had worked this way for you. Hence faith grows as your experience with God grows; and your prayer life grows as your faith in God grows.”

On faith: “If you want to follow Jesus, follow him all the way.” (yao geng ye shu ju gan gan geng)

I guess they are right. One who hesitates is a half hearted believer and is better off not believing. He wastes everybody’s time. No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.

After I finished digesting all those words I felt so lifted up in my spirit. And this reminds me of a conversation sometime back with my grandma’s friend. We were sharing (in mandarin) about serving God and told her about my full time(?) calling. Then came the following exchange.

(G) “Do you have a girlfriend?”
(M) “Nope.”
(G) “Why?”
(M) “Now so busy, want also no money.”
(G) “When it comes to God, money doesn’t matter.”

I always had a problem with faith and the future, and I believe that God is preparing me for that. The demand for complete commitment is still quite scary if you come to think about it. Anyhow, prior to this, I would never know that eavesdropping could be so refreshing.