Joy kills pain
Its really weird that when you serve God with literally nothing that you exprience all the little somethings that makes you happy. The weirdest thing is that in the midst of all that people call "blessings", you realised that prior to them (the blessings) you actually really do not know that there are so many things that can make you happy.
It is then you can really understand what it really means to "count your blessings" for you have so much more things to give thanks for. You will realise that you pray better, praise and give thanks more honestly, basically to say things that you really mean and most importantly you will get to know what it really means to worship in spirit and in truth for by then you have already lived in truth and understood it first hand. It is then you will clearly understand that the God that you worship is a God that provides for you and will never let you go hungry. And it is because of this truth that you are living in that you can really rest assured that He will never leave you or forsake you. And it is now that you can truely say with full conviction that God is indeed Good.
Its when you serve God with your all and becoming nothing that your eyes and heart really opens up and become sensitive to everything. You become more aware of the sacrifices that you make and the pain that it involves. Most importantly, you will also understand that the joy of serving God clearly outweights the painful part of it all. And it is this thing that people call "Joy of the Lord" that money can't buy or exchange for. It is indeed a Joy to serve the Lord my God.
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Where the evening fades
You call forth songs of joy
As the morning wakes
We Your children give You praise
You are magnificent, eternally
Wonderful, glorious
No one ever will compare to You
Ideas have consequences
Its just feels so bad to know that you have just blown your only chance. And it makes you feel even worse when you know that the ultimate faults all lies with you and that no amount of excuse however real and true can make the guilt go away. Seems like the only two words you can muster is a mere weak "i'm sorry". And it really feels so insignificant that you don't really want to say anything at all but you still said it because you are really really sorry and you really feel that you can only do this much to apologise. Sometimes people say that because they want to escape the consequence, others just really seek to be forgiven. I guess for now i'm both.
Cultural beauty
Its really really interesting to note that beauty is conceptual and that it is insituted by man (note the small m). When i looked at old chinese paintings and old turkish drawings and animations, i was reminded of the research i had choosen to do when i was in school (towards the end of poly year two i think) about aesthetics particularly in the area of culture and physical beauty. I figured that whichever the concept was, they are always exculsive to a certain group of people and thus not everyone could be beautiful. ("duh") Thus the message "everyone could beautiful" that beauty ads are selling are like the biggest lie to be seen in public. Not everyone could be beautiful, if everyone is beautiful there would be no ugliness to define the beautiful.
For example, people used to think that it was beautiful to look fat. Maybe the concept originated from the culture that speaks of being fat symbolizes being wealthy. Wouldn't it be nice to eat all you want because you aim to be beautiful? Now think about those that are born with high metabolism at that era, imagine the pressure they felt to be beautiful because they are rich. Hmmm... whats the direct opposite of forced anorexia?
I figured that aesthetic values are very different from moral values. I think the case for aesthetic relativism is a lot stronger than the case of moral relativism. Its important to note that judgments about beauty and ugliness are notoriously culture-bound. As having no culture also indicates a culture of some kind, no one can really claim to be absolutely unbounded and uninfulanced by a certain culture. So the ultimate question here is how can/do we determine what is beautiful and what is ulgy? (not what is good and what is bad.) So since different cultures pronounces different judgements on this subject i figured that all the questions and thought processes funnels down to one simple question : which culture do you belong to? Like sin, life and death or even being a christian, theres no in-between.
People have been saying that the essence of beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, but when thought deeper, i figured that all still really depend on how infulanced by whichever culture the "beholder" belongs to. I really like this statment but forgot who issit from or where i got it - "Beauty provides the refuge from futility where we contemplate the meaning of it all."
Much have been said about the topic of aesthetics but i figured that the following point is the most important. That we should all really focus on the beauty of God as the scripture says Himself to be. If we are called to be His people, we should chase after Him for it is only when we are conformed to the culture that He insituted, then we can truely know what is beautiful in His eyes. Everything that we do and all that we are, should be "for His eyes only". It is in Him that we find out what we are truely meant to be.
Prayer Realised
OH WOW this is what i have been praying for since the start of the year! There is power when people come together with one mind and one direction. Thats the power of worship in a fellowship of people who are determined to seek God! OH WOW, i guess thats the only two words that can come out of my mouth when i reflect upon the time at youth camp. What a good rap up for the worship year. Got back tired, sick and with a swollen elbow but with a very encouraged soul. Encouraged by the worshippers' worship, not the high itself but the sight of people desiring God.
I really treasure my DG group and the times we had together. I particularly loved their transparency with each other and with me. This caused our sharings to end like half an hour more then the time allocated. I'm so encouraged by hch and samuel by just the guesture that they want to worship and serve God with all they have got. Hearing samuel share with me his share of hurts and pains that he can't forgive himself of is like the one of the most honest sharing i ever heard for quite awhile. Seeing hch worship God is like the most valueable sight i could ever remember. Teaching this group really make me remember the reason as to why i treasure being a DGL at camps and retreats so much that i wouldn't trade it for anything else.
I went to the camp with two objectives, one is to really know and impact my DG group and the second is to really spend time with Joseph coz it was really very very long since we last caught up with one another. I really treasure the god-given times where i get to clean up the canteen with Joseph. I think what really bonds us is when we are serving together. Its these times that presence means alot more than thousands of words spoken (at least to me). Somehow when we are serving as a team we really get pleasure from doing the task to the best of our ability. I really treasure this unique relationship.
There was this time at the last night (i think its around 3plus in the morning) when i laid down on the concrete slope to watch the stars by myself. Oh wow what a beautiful sight it was! The dark and star lit sky really reminded me about how small i am and how big God is and that all we can do when we witness his work is just to stand in awe of his majesty. I think i laid there praising God (sliently of course) for about an hour or so then dosed off because it was so peaceful under the stars and awakened later by the cold wind to go back to the dorm.
What i really stressed to my DG in this camp is that worshiping God is a decision made because of how worthy he is, and not how comfortable we are. I figured that its really easy to serve, worship, leading and obey when all is well, but what happens when all is gone and serving, worship, leading and submission becomes a big huge sarcifice in the fullest sense of the word. I guess this is the period of time where God is teaching me what sacrifice really means as i realised that the older i am, the more things i accumulated, the more things i had to give up. And it hurts like mad because now I make choices with the full knowledge of their consequences. Theres are very heavy price to pay for serving God but there can be no worship without sacrifice and God made that very clear when he sent Jesus to the cross. It really hurts but now i rather live my life on the edge and in the center of God's will. It still really hurts thou. Sometimes i really wonder why did God bring me so far and lifted me so high just to take it away from me ... but then the same thing happened to Abraham and he didn't complain ... I really really pray that i will not fall for the things of the secular world no matter how attactive and tempting they are and that they will never hinder me from serving God with all that i have and all that i am.
Anyways, God answers the prayers of his people! From the start of the year we have been praying for a change in culture of the ministry. Now i can really see God realizing it! Wow how cool lah! I also recognize that the hand of God upon the ministry is essential to the granting of our request before the almighty God. And when the hand of God is upon the ministry, it’s a valuable experience. Let’s not take that for granted for it’s a privilege to serve God and be his people.
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You are derserving, of all the praises Lord
My heart is yearning, to be in your presence once more
Deep inside my heart is yearning, i want to know you more
Coz you'r the only one that i adore
How great you are, How great you are
You are the mighty king, and you came to reign in me
How great you are, How great you are
I give you all the praises of my heart
Words and meanings
I realised that asking for the right things when praying is very important. Not so much for the choice of words but because intentions are usually articulated by words. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John1:1) When we institute trust, we are often told to be able to take another person’s word for the subject matter. So if we do not know how to ask the right things from God, we do not know what we actually want from God and so how are we able to present our request if we know not what we want?
Like for example, when we subsituted the meaning for "like" for the meaning of "love", the world will be confused and empty, forever looking but never finding. This demostrates is the power of the media doesn't it? Are we also slowly becoming desensitised from all these things? Are we beginning to be like Lot living in Sodom flirting with Sin? Its also interesting to note that how people devalue the meaning of love while some people overate it and worship it as a god.
Love cannot be engineered but can be cultured. Theres alot of things that we call as love are not really love at all. True Love is unconditional and needs no "because". If we are loving people based on the reason that Christ first loved us, we have not loved at all. This is the precise reason why non believers call us hypocrites.
What does passion really mean, what does love really mean? When we change the meaning of a word we change the meaning of the world.
The Monday Sabbath
Gosh what a terrible tiring week! I seem to be getting more and more tired each and every Monday but surprisingly the more tired i am, the more excited i am on Sunday noons for my little day of self declared freedom. Thus, the more tired i am the more excited i am !!! And the excitement really keeps me from sleeping and feeling tired. Monday is the day where i keep my phone (in silent mode) far away from me. That is the day when i make it a point to keep myself away from the concept of time, away from work, closer to God and closer to keeping my sanity.
As much as grass is always greener on ther other side, the absence of freedom to sleep all i want, to do what i really want, to spend the all the time in the world to know the God that i really desire, really makes my heart grow fonder for that day. Thank God for Mondays!!! The element of freedom associated with it really makes me mighty excited!
Deadline = Deadmeat
December is my busiest month of the year. I wanna do so much but have so little time... and i spent the last five days feeling so lousy because i cannot come up with anything great. Now that deadline line is here i'm really scared-stressed-sick again. Its like i'm forced to squeeze water out of a super dry stone time and time again. I'm deadmeat this time.
Sometimes i really think that as a designer, my happiness is most of the time tied up with my work, so if i'm not doing great work, I'm not going to be happy.
:(
