Self Identity

The tough month was over. Gosh! It was really tough. The tough part was not the project but it was the projects!(note the "s"). August had been the most productive month for me. Through it, I finished a "design acadamic paper", "a showcase website", "a drama for Arts Appreciation class", and "designed and produced a chair model". If I would to pass my major (chair), I'm going to so get into the director's list again I think... because I thought that I did well for all my modules.

Also besides this all the busyness within the month, I also managed to squeeze in time to think and do a cover for the September bulletin which I think was the best done so far. Don't bug me about the sky already, I know I used that type of sky for June and July and yes, it irks me to know that I actually used it "yet again". So sorry to everyone who is sick and tired of seeing the same sky. I'm sick of it myself, I promise I'll do a better job at art directing it from now on since I'm alot less busy now. I think you guys deserve better.

AND THIS POST DOESN"T STOP HERE!!! PLEASE READ ON.

Well, for those who are praying for me, just to update you guys. My critic/presention did not go well. In fact, it was bad, very bad. They really thought that I copied and did little job in redesigning the chair. After giving some thoughts about they harsh comments, I figured that their thoughts and critic were very vaild indeed. So in this harsh light, I think there's a very high chance that they would fail me and that I'll not get my diploma after all. I figured that it would be fair for them to fail me and if I were to pass, it would be grace from them.

I actually felt like a loser for a day. Went home and slept hungry as I didn't felt like eating. Instead of feeling happy (which I should be since everything is over and that I'm free finally) I was in fact, very sad. I just wanted to hide from everybody. I was tired too. So its a very good timing. I slept for 25hrs.

The next day (or whichever day it is), after I woke up, ate, check my mails, I felt tired again. So I went back to bed I figured that I did not want to slp as didn't fell asleep in 1hr. Then I realised that what I wanted was not to slp but to cry (ok, its not very easy to type this). So in my brokeness I realised that even in the month when I'm praying for God to help me, I realised that I still am feeling very much self sufficient because I really thought that I was "Matthew" since everyone know me as the guy who could get out of situations and that everything will turn out fine in the end. And it is in this end, I realised that didn't really credit God. I know I did say it and stuff, but I did it for the sake of showing God that I did it. It was of very surface value. The fact was that I still wanted credit and acknowledgements for my hard work(s).

But the surprising thing is that dispite all these, God still did help me get through this month. Except that in this last end there is a big twist. There's a bad ending. God made me end up in a situation that erases everything I thought as good that I have done before. It is in that "maybe I'll pass or maybe I'll not" kinda thing, that God made me realised my attitude. After he helped me.

So then I realised, "so what if I would to fail"? I guess this would really unmask everyone whom I though are my friends in and outside school and stuff. I realised the meaning of "self identity". That it is "most of the time" coloured by what you do and what you are good at. And people know you as this. And that the more people know you as what you are good at, the more you want to show them only the good side because you want attention and you want to keep it on you.

So what happens when that very thing is taken away from you? Who would love you now? Thats the question that I think I would be discovering very soon enough. Its abit hard to appear in front of people "naked". Paper-less/ Diploma-less / Degree-less or just plain seemingly talent-less for my case.

I figured that its God's will for me to learn and share this with you guys what I learnt in my 3.5years first hand. Since we always heard this type of "stories" through second or third hands. May you (the reader) be blessed and be encouraged from what I went through. I am in fact very real and very normal.

ps: I also figured that if i were to fail, I still could do graphic design since I'm blessed with that gift or rather, the eye to create aesthetics. With this, I really thank God. Not for blessing me, but in making me who I am. Special, unique and specifically for his niche purpose set out for me to fullfill. Heck, this alone is already a gigantic blessing for the owner who sees it.

End

The end is just a close three more days and I'm so crap scared that the ending will be far from ideal as i'm still so far from being prepared and done. But then so what if its not ideal? I still carry on being the same person as i was. Nothing will be wasted as i did gained alot of things that money cannot buy.

I have alot of testimonies, God has been with me and i can even withness him being with me. Why can't I have enough faith to believe that He will bring me through? Why am i like the illustration of the Israelites. Lord why do you still choose to be so real to me when you know that I'll still doubt?

I really appreciate the people who really took time to ask how am i doing and stuff. Well, at least I know that there are some people who really do care. I'm really almost dead but I see the end now. Crap, I'm missing alot of people now.