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So I guess this is Goodbye :)

Paradox faith

I really thank God that He provided people to be signposts and directional signs; people who make me feel that this new phrase is not as new as it feels. It’s like experiencing something totally new but yet familiar. I came to figure that dependence on God is like driving with no steering wheel and still feeling safe because I know that someone bigger is in control. I believe that the God who created me will be the same God who will drive me to my destiny.

I guess faith is having the security to be insecure, to be able to believe without prior understanding. I may not be able to understand the logical outworking of God but now I understand one thing – that everybody experiences far more than he understands. It is the experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior.

It has been a good 10months and I have grown a lot. It’s kind of like a sabbatical and I’m very thankful for the chance to study and grow at my own pace. With the privilege of studying comes the ultimate test. I guess now its time to see what I am really made of. It will be a defining phrase.

However, this is one test I’m very afraid of failing.

*** If we talked or met up during the past month I’ll probably miss you.

Paper or people

“Do not try do take on a heavy load before your enlistment” - This is the lesson I just learnt. I suddenly have so many things that I want to do, like people that I want to meet, bulletin artwork to finish and on top of all that I have a very threatening paper dateline which so happens to fall on my enlistment date. I realized that I have so much that I want to do and this much time left. I don’t want to fail my paper and neither do I want to give up my last few drops for freedom to meet up with my friends.

I guess it really boils down to what is really important to me; in this case, paper or people? I guess I’ll be calling up the guys in AGBC tomorrow to ask them if I could change my credit module to audit and hopefully I can get some money refunded. I think it’s really sad to bum my very first attempt in theological studies. I mean who in my class would fail but me? And worst still, its failing by bailing out :(

I have really given up too many things while struggling for this stupid paper. It's just sad that the things I have given up are irreversible. Among the many things I have given up the most important ones would be the East Asia mission trip and one of my closer friends - the atheist who taught me to reflect on my thinking. He just flew off to Taiwan looking for a job and I don't know if I will ever meet him again. It just pains me so much to think that I decided not to meet up with him because I have a ‘so important’ paper to finish. I really really hope that I will see him in heaven. Oh God! How can I be so blind as to reject the people you treasure for pieces of words on paper?

I guess it’s these types of constrains and limitations that really help us cherish time. To learn that good things don’t last forever and that you don’t have forever to spend your time.

Self reflection

I really think that there are two parts to 'loving your neighbor'; one is the 'giving love' and the other is the 'receiving love'. One can give love passionately and yet be passionately rejected. Can someone have so much passion that he or she becomes obnoxious in the eyes of everyone? I just met a reflection of myself just now and to think that I’m actually so repulsive and such a ‘pain in the neck’ for my leaders. I really thank God for opening my eyes to make me aware of myself. Sorry everyone, I sincerely thank you all for bearing with my shortcomings and being patient with me.

When revelation is not coupled with wisdom, truth becomes repulsive.

On a brighter note, Melvin, Natalie and Amanda wrote me a birthday poem on the bus and I think it’s interestingly funny!

Dear Matthew,

You are the cool
You don’t look like a fool
You are going army now
We’re getting you a cow
Amanda thinks this is lame
What to do, that’s your name
Do you like beetle bugs?
If you don’t, you are a slug
This is really so exciting
We wish you the best
Space is running out
Remember to get more rest.

(While you can)

Oh gosh…

Free love

You know how time with important people is always so precious and beautiful? That person gave me her time and I decide to give her mine.

I read in a book (I think it’s called '360 leadership') that most people who worked in Microsoft for all their lives never get to meet Bill Gates. And all of them are eager to have a private coffee session with him for 45 minutes. Time with important people is always precious. It costs them something.

There is no such thing 'free love'. Love is the most costly thing in the world. God gave us his only son. Jesus gave his life for us to be able to stand righteous before God. In order for us to love, we will have to give our attention to that special someone and leave the others unattended to. The best thing about love is that it is freely given to us all. That is only possible for a God who is omnipresent. That love when freely given is considered unconditional.

When we freely receive something, it doesn't mean it’s free. I really thank God. He gave me His time. He hears me.

Self doubt

I wonder why we always emphasize on the spiritual need when the emotional need is just as important. When one of our needs is not fulfilled we will tend to use people (unconsciously) as means to meet that need. The needs are real and so should be our approach. The emotional need is not something that can be solved by a spiritual answer.

At the root of every wrong intention is a need not met. Wrong intentions can easily breed disharmony in the body of Christ. If we want to serve God effectively, we will need to meet that need. We need to constantly question the reason as to why we feel the need to serve. Is it to satisfy our egos? Is it to make us feel important? Or is it out of the love for the people. Never serve and lead out of need.

When a particular area of need is not satisfied it will quickly become a stepping stone for the devil in our lives. I figured that however pure my intentions are, I will always be forced to question my unintended intentions. Whenever we are lacking in a particular emotional area, our credibility and authenticity of our actions can be easily doubted by people and by ourselves. Meaning there will always be a possibility that we are deluding ourselves with our ‘righteous motives’ when we serve. After all what makes us think that when we serve we are serving out of love and not out of a selfish reason?

Anyways this approach is unreasonably restrictive. If I have to construct an argument for everything I believe and upon which I act, I’ll believe little and act little. I do not want to doubt myself any longer. Lord, set me free to serve you.

He remembers me

As my birthday and coming enlistment date draws near, I got down to planning a list of people that I really want to spend my (remaining) days with; people important to me; people whom I really treasure and are close to. As I plan my exclusive schedule and prepare the list of people, it suddenly occurred to me that actually I am not very close to my peers, I don’t really have many peers that I call close friends. I realized that I’m actually much closer to many of the youths and I desire to be with them much much more than with my peers.

With this thought I sudden found a reason as to probably why I seem to be much more effective in the youth ministry. Is my preference of time spent with the youth actually based on my lack of peer friends? Does this really mean that I love them then, or is my so called ‘love’ for them actually based on a very selfish reason? If that is so, then I guess it’s really sad and its time I consider about what I am doing.

As I dwell on what loneliness felt, I evaluated myself and question if I do have a character problem. Well, after all I felt that my situation doesn’t really seemed normal at all. I prayed and cried. Loneliness is a really painful feeling I guess. Even when one is surrounded by people loneliness is still very much felt. People only help to mask the pain I guess.

But last Saturday’s YA service was really memorable. The message by Pastor Kieran is really what I needed so much to hear. It’s almost like God speaking to me and that slot of the day meant especially for me. I guess it’s a way of how God shows me that He is the big guy up there who hears my cries. For the first time I really felt restored and vision refocused.

I guess the pastors in school are right, ministry is really lonely. There are so many things you can’t share with your members and so many things that you need to keep to yourself. There will be things that they can’t understand and might never be able to understand and relate to you. I realized that the more committed I am to my ministry, the lonelier I’ll will get. And when my ‘world’ becomes my ministry, I am actually inviting myself into a ‘lion’s den’ of loneliness.

A servant has no time off and is to serve the master 24/7. Although this reality really seems tiring and torturous I guess I am always reminded of one very fundamental thing; that He really does love his servants. I am really thankful that in the midst of my struggles that Yahweh remembers me; even though when I feel that I really don’t deserve to be remembered. Serving a kind master is always a joy and a privilege.

I really like it when poet George Herbert described prayer as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." and he goes on and concludes his grand description of prayer as "something understood." Really, Yahweh hears us, He understands us. He remembers me.