Reunion no more

Lots of food will be on the table tonight but both of my brothers will not be coming home, not only tonight but for the rest of the week against their will. What are we as a family (my parents and i) going to say to the people we meet, what excuses can we give? Should we use this situation to proclaim God's goodness or should we see it as public shame? The sense of disappointment is everywhere but i know that this would happen sooner or later since they choose not to listen to sound wisdom. But at least i know that they are safer where they are for the time being. I pray and hope that God will open the eyes of my brothers to see Him and in his grace and mercy, let repentance take place.

Theres no hype in the house, no anticipation, no nothing. I'm tired but i cannot sleep. I can't help but think so much about how every single one in my family must be feeling right now. What shall i say to my relatives? What shall i say to their friends? Should i even share? Wordless i face everybody. Even eloquence can be a serious disability when you got nothing to say. I'm very afraid.

If you know what happened in my family would you please pray for us? Thanks.

Language beautiful

Actually its not the spoken language itself that is the one that is especially beautiful, if we were to funnel it down, its the way people connect to one another of a total different culture. Its beautiful when people work together towards a common goal and when people sing with one voice. Imagine on that grand final day as depicted in the book of Revelation where everyone from every tongue and every tribe gathers to sing praises to God. How wonderful and grand would the resounding praise be!

I have been on three mission trips and each one to a different country, learning different languages each time. If you have ever been on a mission trip you will understand what i meant when i talk about the joy one will feel when you hear people worship God with their own language. Especially when they sing a song that is translated from the English version in which you always sing. It really brings about a different dimension to worship itself. Just like love and sin can only exist in a world of freewill, probably that is the beauty of the diversifying of Man at the tower of Babel - to magnify the beauty of God's intention at the coming end of time.

Languages may be created by humanity but language is not. (Note the 's') In Psalms 19 King David says that the very creation has a language (aka DNA). Romans 1 and 2 speak about us having a moral law within, the innate conscience to know right from wrong. There is this certain language in creation that transcends beyond the languages created by humanity. People may not understand you by the way you speak but people sure can understand you in the way you show love. Love is the universal language started by our Abba Father. Where there is love, anointing, gifting and talents though important, really makes themselves look so secondary. Without love we labor for nothing.

How beautiful repentance is. When there is repentance, there is forgiveness. And then restoration takes place. How beautiful is the whole idea of redemption. You said that the whole heavens rejoice with the repentance of one soul and that You are like that running father of that prodigal son. Now i understand why. I desire to see you glorified.

Somewhere in the hunger of the human heart and the sovereignty of God, God has a way of bring the word to them. The genuine seeker after God will find out that he is also sought by God. It is because of that innate conscience (moral law within) that we all need God to be in the picture. Without him in the equation, nothing makes sense, even the questions that everyone is asking doesn't make sense. If we understand the very character of God then we will find that impetus within our heart to know that reality of God makes a difference in the way we think, live and behave.

If time is the brush which God paints on the canvas of the human heart, then eternity is the perspective when we get to look at the full picture. Although language is a really big barrier for all of us when we go on mission trips, we must constantly remind ourselves of the full picture. That will be enough hope to spur us to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Indonesia here I come!

To be unbreakable

It had never occured to me that we all made plans to be unbreakable and in doing so, we unknowingly left God out of the picture we paint for ourselves. The world is so alluring. When i made the conscious decision to reject all paid incoming work to concentrate on the R.E.A.L. program, i have been recieving calls from my friend everyday because he got jobs for me to do. and each job are paid quite handsomely.

It really feels so difficult to reject those offers but i know that i have to. But i'm happy, i'm contented, i have more then enough and i'm not looking for money now. Its just abit weird that when i made the decision to do the things God told me to do, then all the blessings all keep coming at the same time and they come in such a big bunch that i don't have enough hands to even pick them up. Compared to the joy, contentment and satisfaction of responding to God's call, i realised that my dreams and ambitions really seemed so plain.

I eat my words now, I don't want to die. Being alive means that you can feel joy although along with it comes pain. Being died is like robbing yourself of joy... and pain. I have grown to realise that joy holds more weight than pain. It is at that moment of joy that we feel that all the pain is worth it and at that moment pain don't even seem to cross your mind and theres wonder in everything.

I have never felt so good being alive, I've never been so satisfied. His grace is really more than enough for me. I'm now really in a state of wonder, excitement and gratefulness for God have been capturing my heart over and over again, always not allowing me to stray that far away. He is the good shepherd.

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"The Sun And The Moon" by Mae

Wasted time. I can not say that i was ready for this. But when worlds collide, and all that I have is all that i want. The words seem to flow and the thoughts they keep running. And all that I have is yours. All that I am is yours.

Painted skies. I've seen so many that cannot compare, to your ocean eyes. The pictures you took that cover your room, and it was just like the sun but more like the moon. A light that cant reach at all. So now im branded for taking the fall.

So when you say forever, can't you see you've already captured me.

Long distance running

Two years ago i decided to work my ass off because i wanna forget something and i realised that the busyness worked like magic. Then i realised that i cannot seem to end what i started. I cannot seem not to be busy anymore. I think i've grown used to the numbness and escape that perpetual busyness can bring. I'm so tired of running but it seems like i can't stop running. When can i stop when i'm actually still very much afraid. I realised that time is not a healer. Time is only a revealer of how i function and my intentions (which were unknown to me) behind my actions.

I developed this image one year ago. I realised that the girl in the image reflects me. I'm holding on to so many balloons because i'm afraid to touch the ground. Now when i reflect back i realised why i seem to like balloons or rather, the concept of doing things in mid air. As much as they protray freedom, they also protray escape.

It had been raining and temperature hovering at 24 degrees for the past few days and i love it so much that i forgot that Singapore used to be around 30+ degrees. Now that the sun is back up again i realised how much i actually love to be in melancholy.

Beautifool hope

Its two totally different aspects to grow yourself and to structure an environment to help many other people grow as well. The later is so not me and its so difficult to grow into somebody you are not. Everyday i can literally and figuratively feel the painful moulding. I'm really struggling and at times i really felt that God is so far from me but i'm glad that i have made the choice to subject myself to the uncertainties, the often felt feelings of inadequacy and to struggle through them. If i am to be what God wanted me to be, i know that i should hold on to the vision he gave me and therefore this is my next step. Very often i ask myself "if God is with me why am i still so insecure about so many things." To hell with the money and comfort if they were to draw me away from the presence of God.

I happened to be reading the book of Job the day when i listened to one of Ravi Zacharias's radio talkshows messages on "The Questions of a Man in Agony". Naturally its about Job. Its particularly interesting to me to study how God answers Job's questions.

One of the answers that God gave to Job is the arguement from design. Ravi keynoted that among all the natural wonders of the world, one of the most beautiful and most common wonders in the world is a tiny fragile entity that people call a baby. God is trying to tell us as he is telling Job that He has fashioned them, He has created them. If God could take chaos in this universe and yet bring forth such beautiful design can He not take such trouble and turmoil in your life and bring some design out of it?

What a timely in-your-face encouragement to know that we have trouble, trails and sorrows but not as those without hope. God is all sovereign and He does makes everything beautiful in his time.

God is like the sun. You cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else. (GK.Chesterton)

I want to die

What a catching title isn't it? Yes it is true, i do want to die. Not that i'm suicidal or depressed and all but just that when you think about it, it would be better if God take you away now then when you have more people depending on you to live. Well thats what i think would be better. But then God is still God, if i choose to exsist for His purpose then whether died or alive i would want to be of use to God.

Well, this is just a passing thought which is not-so-new in my mind. Just that i'm very tired because of all the workload and that Enzheng suddenly asked me what i want. So i answered that i want to die because i figured that when i die, i'll get to really rest in peace physically, emotionally and spirtually. Anyways i realised that i'm not alone in this manic depressive mindset, big names in the bible wished to die too. Isaiah is one, Apostle Paul too (among many others). He said that he wish he could die but it was not his time yet.

Slog on matt, its not your turn yet. Live for the kingdom of God and because you so love the people around you who are still alive.

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Here I am at your feet
Crying out to you
Draw me near, hold me close
Lord I wait on you
For you are my greatest love
You are my comforter and strength
You are the first, You are the last
You are my guiding light

I will run, I will soar
On eagles' wings
As I wait on you Lord
My strength is restored
Fix my eyes on you Jesus
As I run this this race
Help me fight this fight of faith